2017 The Year of Me

2017 the year of me

So as this year comes to a close I wanted to take some time and reflect on what 2017 has meant to me.  Wow it's been quite an interesting ride.  I've made some really bold moves this year.  In April I retired from my very rewarding career at Aetna after being there for over 27 years.  I spent a lot of time traveling mostly to the Dominican Republic to visit my new boo which I eventually married in October.  I did manage to get some other trips in as well.  I visited Arizona to say goodbye to my management team before leaving Aetna.  I went to Myrtle Beach with my good girlfriend Karen and I had the pleasure of traveling with most of my family and my good friends to Bermuda for the milestone birthday's.  It was my 50th, my mom turned 70 this year.  My youngest turned 25 and my son turned 30 at the end of last year.  My oldest daughter Jasmine didn't make the trip due to her motherly obligations and neither did my youngest sister Michelle but they were with us in spirit.  My mom, stepdad, my sister Tanya and her best friend. My son Steven, Daughter Jenni, My BFF Maria, her husband Garfield and my good good girlfriend Karen and her husband Chris.  We all had a great time on the cruise.  This year I completed my Certified Recovery Specialist Training and passed the exam so I am an official CRS now.  I completed and graduated from the MLK Leadership Development Institute in June.  I also completed the advanced Chaplaincy class through UPMC Pinnacle Health System.  I'm not exactly sure what I am going to do with all of these new things yet but I believe I'm headed in the right direction.

I titled this post the year of me because as I stated above I've made some bold moves this year and it's the first time in a very long time that I feel like I've been living for me.  Some of ya'll mothers out there might be able to relate to this but when you become a mother you stop living for yourself.  You instantly become this little persons caregiver and it's your mission in life to protect and nurture them.  Now that all of my children are grown, my youngest is 25 I've decided to start doing some things for me.  I'm not trying to be selfish and I really hope that it doesn't come across that way but after being focused everyone else's well being for so long I thought it might be time to take a minute or two for myself.  Meeting my now husband and being able to travel since I'm retired helped me realize my dream of being a beach bum LOL.  Seriously I've always loved to travel and the beach is my thing.  My husband lives in the Dominican Republic very close to the beach so I've been able to go to the beach a lot more this year since I've been spending so much time here.

Although it may sound like it's been all fun and games it really has had it's challenges.  Don't get me wrong I am not complaining about it at all.  It's just reality that there would be challenges since life here in the Dominican Republic is very different than what I am used to.  I used to believe that I was the type of person who adapts to change well.  I have learned in recent years that is not necessarily the case.  I mean I can change and I do change but I don't like it.  Being here has also opened my eyes to just how incredibly fortunate I have been in my life and how much I've taken for granted.  Hot water, electricity and zip lock bags, just name a few.  The one thing I find very interesting about people here in the DR (Dominican Republic) is that they are some of the poorest people I have ever interacted with this closely but they are also absolutely the happiest people I've ever met.  They don't have much at all but whatever they have they will share it with you happily.  Ok I'm being honest here when I say I recognize that this is a good quality to have but I'm still a work in progress.  I don't always practice that sharing spirit.  In some cases I think they take this sharing thing to the extreme, for example (my son Steven is laughing right now.  Inside joke) I've learned to keep my towel with me, not to leave it in the bathroom because apparently anything and I do mean anything left in the bathroom becomes community property.  No towel, washcloth (although most people here don't use these) or toothbrush is safe.  To put this into perspective for everyone I don't like sharing a bathroom to the point where I built an addition onto my house so I could have my own bathroom.  So you can imagine how I felt when I realized that my towel was being used by others.  Please do not think that I am stereotyping every Dominican person here.  Clearly I can only speak to what I have observed with my friends and family here.  It's human nature to adapt to your environment and I truly  believe that is one of the reasons why there are the cultural differences.

If anyone had told me a year ago that I would be married now I would have told them that they were insane.  I never in a million years thought that I would be married again.  Many of my close friends and associates are still a bit in shock.  I've been married twice before and had many failed relationships so the thought of marriage for me was not a pleasant one.  A few have asked me why I decided to get married again now.  I really don't know the answer or at least how to explain it but I remember when my mom asked me why I told her that I was marrying him because I couldn't imagine my life without him.  He's not perfect, no one is.  We have our challenges at times but life is a series of tests and challenges and what I can tell you is that I want to go through the rest of mine with him.  It's a little unconventional of course since we live in two different countries but thus far we are making it work.  Of course I've been doing all of the traveling to him at this point since he doesn't have his visa yet but we are working on it. The Visa process might end up being an entire blog because this process is not easy at all.

It's been difficult doing this living for me thing even though my kids are grown they have been used to me being there for them for everything.  Needless to say they didn't take too kindly to this new found attitude of mine.  I also made the decision to spend Christmas in the DR with my husband this year since I would be our first one together as husband and wife.  That went over like a lead balloon with my family.  After many discussion and a few heated ones everyone seemed to understand that it was happening so off I went.  Remember earlier when I said I don't adapt well to change?  Well even though I made the decision to leave my family to come here it was still hard and honestly I didn't like it.  The Dominican Christmas was not at all what I expected it to be and I missed home.  I actually cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve because I was so upset or shall I say so far outside of my comfort zone.  It seems that here in the DR the major celebration occurs on Christmas Eve and it consists of a big meal which absolutely must include pork and you already know they have to get their drink on so plenty of alcohol is also available. I was very disappointed when I discovered that my husband had to go to work on Christmas day so I was stuck in the house by myself all day while he was at work.  Again I cried and felt like an idiot for leaving my family to come here since I was going to be alone on Christmas Day.  My kids are great though, my oldest daughter took on my role to a certain extent.  I typically make breakfast on Christmas morning and most of my family comes over to my house to eat and we do Santa gifts for the kids and other gifts at my house.  In my absence this year my oldest daughter hosted breakfast and the santa and general gift exchange.  Although I wasn't able to be there in person I was able to participate via video chat.  I got to see their smiling faces and squeals of joy as they opened their gifts.  My husband ended up getting off work a little early and we were able to go to the beach for a little while which made my day.  I've always dreamed of being on the beach at Christmas time so I finally got to put my toes in the sand on Christmas day.

Even though I titled this the year of me of course it wasn't all about me.  I have to give a shout out to my wonderful mother, Patricia Gadsden.  This women continues to amaze me.  She has always been a risk taker.  When she puts her mind to something nothing and I mean NOTHING will stand in her way.  For many years my mother has been working on opening up a wellness center.  Her vision and dream has finally come alive.  We opened the Life Esteem Holistic Wellness center a few weeks ago.  Starting in the new year we will officially open and begin having a variety of workshops, exercise classes, and sessions to help the people in the Harrisburg community live a healthier lifestyle.

My children have provided me with endless laughs and a few heartaches this year but mostly smiles and laughter.  They may not believe this if they ever read this but I am proud of them all.  No they do not always make the choice I would make but it's their life to live not mine.  Life is about the choices we make and how we deal with the consequences of those choices.  Although I still give them all my opinion, more often than they would like I'm sure.  In the end I tell them it's their choice and if they like it then I love it.  In some ways I think me being away more now is forcing them to spread their wings a little more and fly on their own which is a little scary but necessary.

I'm not a New Years Resolution person.  I do typically at some point early in the year write down my goals for the year but honestly I've rarely met them all.  I find that I'm usually no where near the person I was in January by the time December roles around.  That is because I chose to learn and grow from my experiences.  In some cases maybe I over think things and over analyze every situation but it's who I am.  I've reached a point where I'm trying to enjoy the things in life that make me happy and avoid the things that don't because as the saying goes tomorrow isn't promised.  I no longer put off to tomorrow when I need to accomplish today.  Things that in the past would drive me absolutely insane no longer have that affect on me.  As I am learning to live with my new husband and I say it that way because I do have to learn how to share space with someone again because it's been awhile.  He's a man and does things that men do to drive women crazy.  In my prior relationships I may have said,"If he leaves the toilet seat up one more time I'm going to kill him."  Now as I put the toilet seat down I say to myself "I really love this man."  Am I still annoyed?  Of course but I  guess I've gotten to the point where I realize that bickering over the small things takes away from the big things. 

This year I've met new friends and I have a new family here in the Dominican Republic.  I've also strengthened connections with others along the way.  Every person I've interacted with this year in some way affected me, good and bad and I hope that along the way I have also touched someone's life, encouraged or motivated them in some way.   As I close out 2017 here in the Dominican Republic with my husband I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and I hope that 2018 is the year that you choose it to be for you.

In Between

This was originally created sometime in 2016
For awhile now I've been stuck.  In a funk, down in the dumps whatever you call it I know there are many people who can relate.  It's that unsettled feeling where you really can't put your finger on it but something just isn't quite right.  The feeling can hit you all of s sudden or creep up on  your slowly over a period of time.  I'm honestly not sure how mine came about this time.  There's been so much going on this year, health issues, challenges with trying to help my grown kids navigate life's ups and downs.  My family says they noticed a change in me after my surgery in March.  I've been grumpier (that's a nice way to put it).  I had my thyroid removed and am now on medication for the rest of my life to replace the thyroid hormones that were lost.  My levels are supposedly at an acceptable level now but I think my body was so used to the levels being off kilter that it hasn't adjusted to things being normal.  Isn't that funny?  I mean what's really normal anyway?  That word has always bothered me.  What is "normal" for one person may be completely out of whack for another.  So anyway here I am without my thyroid and apparently a major attitude about life.  I'm a fixer by nature so I see a problem and I'm trying to fix it.  Since the problem is within myself it's a little more difficult but I begin the process of self evaluation.  I try to look at every aspect of my life to determine where the problem area is.

After my surgery I lost my voice.  I'm a singer, LOVE to sing actually and singing in the church choir is one of my all time favorite things.  After my surgery when my voice didn't come back I was devastated.  If I'm being honest here I even went through a period of time where I found myself asking God what I did to cause him to take my voice (I know that's totally crazy).  I'm not saying I was the best singer in the world but I had a nice high soprano voice and now nothing.  It hurts my heart even typing this now.  My voice was one of the things I always thanked God for.  It was a gift that I knew came from him and I was proud to use it to praise his name.

Physically I'm a mess.  This isn't anything new, I've always had my share of health issues due to my mysterious auto immune disease called Sarcoidosis.  Besides my Thyroid issues this years health issue has centered around weakness in my left leg.  When I tell you that I have been to every type of specialist that exist to try to determine the cause of this issue I am not exaggerating.  It's been both expensive and frustrating to say the least.  Over the past 20 years I've dealt with this so after examining this aspect of my life I determined that this wasn't the cause of my funk.

Dec 2017 update - I never got to update this post until now.  I'm not sure when but the fog finally lifted.  Actually I think I know exactly when it lifted.  It was in June of 2016 when I got back to my passion and sang with the revival choir.  It was my first time singing since my thyroid surgery and it was an amazing experience.  I think I lost my voice so that I could find something else about myself.  I'll delve into this a little bit more later.  Also the issues with my leg went away as mysteriously as they appeared.