In Between

This was originally created sometime in 2016
For awhile now I've been stuck.  In a funk, down in the dumps whatever you call it I know there are many people who can relate.  It's that unsettled feeling where you really can't put your finger on it but something just isn't quite right.  The feeling can hit you all of s sudden or creep up on  your slowly over a period of time.  I'm honestly not sure how mine came about this time.  There's been so much going on this year, health issues, challenges with trying to help my grown kids navigate life's ups and downs.  My family says they noticed a change in me after my surgery in March.  I've been grumpier (that's a nice way to put it).  I had my thyroid removed and am now on medication for the rest of my life to replace the thyroid hormones that were lost.  My levels are supposedly at an acceptable level now but I think my body was so used to the levels being off kilter that it hasn't adjusted to things being normal.  Isn't that funny?  I mean what's really normal anyway?  That word has always bothered me.  What is "normal" for one person may be completely out of whack for another.  So anyway here I am without my thyroid and apparently a major attitude about life.  I'm a fixer by nature so I see a problem and I'm trying to fix it.  Since the problem is within myself it's a little more difficult but I begin the process of self evaluation.  I try to look at every aspect of my life to determine where the problem area is.

After my surgery I lost my voice.  I'm a singer, LOVE to sing actually and singing in the church choir is one of my all time favorite things.  After my surgery when my voice didn't come back I was devastated.  If I'm being honest here I even went through a period of time where I found myself asking God what I did to cause him to take my voice (I know that's totally crazy).  I'm not saying I was the best singer in the world but I had a nice high soprano voice and now nothing.  It hurts my heart even typing this now.  My voice was one of the things I always thanked God for.  It was a gift that I knew came from him and I was proud to use it to praise his name.

Physically I'm a mess.  This isn't anything new, I've always had my share of health issues due to my mysterious auto immune disease called Sarcoidosis.  Besides my Thyroid issues this years health issue has centered around weakness in my left leg.  When I tell you that I have been to every type of specialist that exist to try to determine the cause of this issue I am not exaggerating.  It's been both expensive and frustrating to say the least.  Over the past 20 years I've dealt with this so after examining this aspect of my life I determined that this wasn't the cause of my funk.

Dec 2017 update - I never got to update this post until now.  I'm not sure when but the fog finally lifted.  Actually I think I know exactly when it lifted.  It was in June of 2016 when I got back to my passion and sang with the revival choir.  It was my first time singing since my thyroid surgery and it was an amazing experience.  I think I lost my voice so that I could find something else about myself.  I'll delve into this a little bit more later.  Also the issues with my leg went away as mysteriously as they appeared.