Relationship talk -Lost that loving feeling? So now what?

I'm taking a little break from just providing updates on my situation.  There's no update and it's still a situation.  I want to talk about relationships in this post.  Pull up a chair, grab something to drink and maybe some popcorn too.  I'd love to hear feedback on this one as I know there will be plenty of other thoughts on this topic.

Recently I’ve found myself giving a lot of advice to various people about their relationships.  I should point out that they asked my opinion.  In some cases they’re married and in others they’re just in a relationship or situationship.  The bottom line is that there are many people in various stages of relationships and they're struggling.  I am by no means an expert on this topic.  I’m honestly not sure that anyone is.  My truth is that I am on my 3^rd marriage.  Although I’ve been divorced twice I feel that I have some life experiences to share to maybe help others avoid going through what I did.  My social media pages are full of people looking for the one, others thought they found the one and now they are giving up on that and moving onto the next.  My opinion, and it’s just that my opinion that’s why I have a blog to share my thoughts and feelings, is in general is that people these days give up too easily, too soon.  If I’m being honest with you all I feel that maybe I gave up too soon on my prior marriages.  I was young and impatient in some aspects.  Who knows how things could have been if I had been more patient.  The reality is that no one is in it for the long haul anymore.  People are chasing happiness in others when happiness comes from within.  I don’t know much but I know that if you are not happy with yourself you will not be happy with anyone else no matter how fine, rich or put together they are.  The number one problem with relationships is we tend to look outside of ourselves to find our happiness.  We focus too much on things that don’t matter.  How someone looks, how much stuff they have or how good they are in bed.  Looks change, things are lost or taken away and with age and time sex also becomes less and less important (trust me it does).  

I recently saw a debate on FB.  The question was could you stay with someone who didn’t really satisfy you sexually?  The responses were all over the place and some were very funny.  I choose to just observe and not share my views on this topic as I knew my views wouldn’t be very popular.  So here’s my take on it.  First my disclaimer is that I really enjoy sex BUT it is not the most important thing to me in a relationship.  My concern has always been to make sure the other person was satisfied and my satisfaction comes from giving them pleasure.  Again my unpopular option here is that sex should be a selfless act.  If you go into solely for the purpose of your own pleasure I’m thinking although you might achieve your goal for a moment in the long run  you might feel otherwise. (I’m sure I’ve lost a lot of you but hang in there with me). Humans are one of a few species that actually have sex for pleasure.  Yes we are blessed in that way but sex is for reproduction, that’s it’s primary purpose.  The fact that it’s also pleasurable is a bonus.  As we age our bodies change and so does our desire for sex (although it seems there are many senior citizens in retirement homes and communities who are really going hog wild these days SMH.  Probably because some man somewhere invented Viagra.)  My point is at some point we get to a place where we typically crave intimacy in different ways, not just sexual.  This doesn’t necessarily have to coincide with age, I believe it comes from maturity.  I do not consider myself old by any means and there was a time in my life when I placed a lot more importance on sex that I should have.  I’m happy to say that I’ve matured to a place where sex has a health place in my life.  Intimacy beyond the sexual experience is awesome and something worth waiting for.

The most precious thing to me is to see couples who have been together for decades.  They’ve had children together, maybe even grand and great grands.  When I see them I smile and I can only imagine the storms they weathered together through the years.  That’s the key is knowing there will be storms and finding the person that you’re willing to go through those storms with.  Knowing that person is the one takes time.  There is no specific time period and in some cases you just know from the moment you meet them (so I’m told).  No matter how long you take to try to get to know someone there will always be situations that come up where they behave in a manner that you didn’t expect.  That’s human nature and you must practice patience with one another during these times.  Understanding that it will not always be 50/50.  Sometimes your partner will need more and you need to be willing to give it and NOT throw it in their face or expect that you’ll get the extra that you gave back.  When we give someone something, a gift it’s supposed to be just that a gift.  Not something you do because of what you might receive in return. 
Another big thing is communication.  Real communication where you listen to understand and not just to respond with your rebuttal. Observing your partner to really get to know them and understand them.  One of the things I love the most about my husband is how well he knows me.  He can read my mood without me saying a word.  He can look at me and assess my current state of mind.  Even when we’re apart he can tell by my responses to him even via text message how I’m feeling.  If he asks how I’m doing and I say I’m okay or I’m fine.  He may ask for me to send him a picture.  From that picture he can assess my current situation.  Beyond that he knows what I like and what I don’t.  There are those things that he loves that I don’t care for but I put up with them anyway because they bring him joy and he does the same for me.  Again it’s that selflessness that you express to the one you love.

Oftentimes we get caught up in that new relationship feeling.  You know that feeling when you first meet someone that you’re attracted to.  The thought of them makes you smile, the sound of their voice gives you butterflies or goosebumps.  All you can think about is being with them.  The physical attraction is amazing.  Unfortunately that new relationship feeling is very similar to that new car smell.  It fades away and would you really trade your car in because it doesn’t smell new anymore?  Of course not.  In fact lets stick with this new car analogy for a minute.  When your car is brand new you might take good care of it.  Keeping it washed and the inside clean.  Maybe you don’t allow people to eat or smoke in your car to preserve it’s nice new look.  When we’re in a new relationship we tend to do the same thing.  We put our best foot forward to impress our partner.  Show them all the good stuff to reel them in.  At some point when we feel comfortable that we’ve got them then we begin to relax and some of the things we’ve been hiding begin to creep to the surface.  This is where many people begin to feel disenchanted with their relationship.  When their partner begins to behave in ways that seem new to you,  you might feel as if you’ve been deceived.  Another thing we have to remember is that a healthy person has continuous growth throughout their life.  The trick is to find someone you can growth with and still live with.  Sometimes people outgrown one another or one partner grows and the other doesn’t at all.  This can cause resentment and conflict.  

I recently told my husband that he’s not exactly the person I thought he was when I first met him BUT I still loved him anyway.  At first he didn’t understand why I felt he was different but after explaining it he understood and we both agreed that there were things we didn’t see or recognize in the beginning but now we do.  It’s human nature.  Love is blind.  We both agreed to keep the lines of communication open and express to each other how we're feeling about things as the naturally change.  Our relationship is still fairly new so we'll see how things go as time passes.
That's all for now.  Remember this is my opinion and it doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, it's just my thoughts.  

x

Acceptance

Greetings everyone.  I made it to the Dominican Republic and to my hubby safely and now I’m back home.   Trust me it was a very difficult decision but I decided to be an adult and come back to my job.  Why does the time pass so quickly when you’re on vacation but at work an hour takes days?  LOL.  Here's our first picture together. Check out those smiles.

Being away from my husband for over four months was difficult for me.  I was so focused on how bad I felt that I missed that it’s also very difficult for him.  All of the loneliness I feel being here in my house alone he feels the same thing there.  It’s probably worse for him because there are things around the house there that remind him of me.  It’s different for me because he’s never been in my house.  I realized that I was putting so much pressure on him to communicate with me when we’re apart but he feels like I don’t check on him enough.  He’s right I’m always waiting for him to text or call me.  That’s an old habit from my grandmother.  She always told me that a man should call a woman.  Also that the way to know if I man is thinking about you is if he’s calling you.  I do agree with those points to a certain extent but we’re way past courtship and dating at this point.  We’re in a committed relationship and as much as I want and need to know that my husband is thinking about me and missing me, he needs the same from me. 

I can’t put into words how good it was to see him after so much time.  Yes we video chat on a regular basis but that is NO replacement for seeing him in the flesh.  Of course I’m biased but when I first laid eyes on him at the airport I was like “Wow, how could he have gotten anymore sexy.”  Okay ya’ll stop rolling your eyes LOL.  He did look good though for real.  Hubby and I just click like I keep harping on how much time has passed since we’ve been together but when we’re reunited it’s like we never missed a beat.  He knows me and what I need and like and I do the same for him.  Please do not think that we never experience conflict because we do but we have a good sense of each other and knowing when to bend and when to stand firm with each other.  This is something I didn’t have in any of my prior relationships.  I cherish this with my husband because it’s so important to know how and when to pick your battles.  There will always be conflict but how you resolve it is the key. 

Speaking of conflict ladies in case you wondered how long it takes for your husband to completely forget all of the things you taught (I started to use the word trained but that seemed harsh and I didn’t want to offend anyone) him it’s somewhere between  zero days because he never really learned in the first place and 4 months.  The house wasn’t a total disaster,  he had made an effort to tidy things up but nothing and I mean absolutely nothing was anywhere close to where I left it.  Now here’s where I realize that I have grown a little bit.  The old me would have snapped and set out to put everything back the way she wanted it.  The new and improved me noticed it all BUT decided that 1) if he’s comfortable with it then it’s fine and 2) I’m only here for a week so there’s no sense in wasting my time when it’s going to end up back the same way.  It’s my vacation and time with my hubby.  I decided not to spend it worrying about things that really don’t matter.   I planned this visit so I could spend my birthday with hubby and he did not disappoint.  We spent the day together at my favorite resort poolside and then he organized a little barbecue for me that night.  It was really nice.  

I titled this post acceptance because I feel that’s what we both came away with from this visit.  We have both been struggling with how to deal with our current situation.  Having to live apart while we continue to fight for his visa.  During my visit we both met with the attorney who we hired to help us obtain the necessary documents for the embassy.  Going into that  meeting we both had different expectations but afterward I felt that we were finally on the same page and although we weren’t happy about what we heard we reached a point of acceptance.  We spent hours later that night talking about our relationship and how to make this time apart work for us in the long run.  Decisions and plans were made and I feel that we both feel more at peace now.  Personally I needed this trip to help me realize many things.  I’ve been what I’ll call in the valley for several months now.  During this trip I realized that this valley has had it’s purpose.  God’s timing is always perfect and I need this time right now to prepare for my next chapter.  I’ve been so consumed with this process and somewhere along the way I lost sight of me as an individual and my goals.  Having this time apart will allow me to focus a little more on those for a while.  Over the past few months I’ve let things go in my life that we’re very good for me.  One of them is drinking soda.  I was addicted to soda and one day I just stopped and I haven’t gone back.  So next up is removing myself from this valley.  I’ve been in this valley for way too long feeling sorry for myself, feeling envious of others and a whole host of other negative emotions.  The  bottom line is this, 1) I’ve lived a great life 2) What’s for me is mine, I can’t live anyone else’s life I have to live mine.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason so maybe this valley has been about accepting my reality and focusing on the journey up and out of this valley. So that’s the plan.  My husband has also been in his own valley and he has to find his way out of his as well.  As individuals we have things to work on and as a couple we agree to continue to provide endless support to one another.

Leaving is always tough and my husband doesn’t handle it well at all.  Typically the day before I leave he becomes somewhat distant.  He will literally find any excuse to be away from me.  At first I was always so hurt and offended by his behavior but now I know that it’s just how he copes with difficult things.  When I feel him pulling away I just let him go, I don't fight it.  He cannot stand to see me cry so I’ve learned how to hold back the tears until after we part ways at the airport.  I had gotten pretty good at the  no crying thing but leaving this time was really tough.  We both know it's possible it could be several months before we see each other again.  The one thing I can always count on is him sending me a text message when he gets back to the house telling me how much he misses me or how sad he was going back to the house without me.  He always tells me that he can still smell me in the house and I smile because before I leave I always spray my favorite scent all around the house and especially on his pillow 

A few people have asked me how long will I be able to keep this up.  Honestly I have no idea since I hadn't planned any of this but I do know that anything worth having takes work.  My marriage is worth the work.  We didn't agree to for better or even better.  We agreed to for better or for worse.  

That's all for now.  Keep us in your positive thoughts and prayers because we all know how powerful prayer can  be.  Until next time my friends be blessed.

Ready for my next chapter

This post is titled Ready for my next chapter and I choose this picture of me which was taken several years ago because it perfectly expresses my current state. In this photo I'm on a cruise I'm enjoying the scenery while I wait for the next activity.

It’s time for an update although there isn’t really much to report.  I’m still here and he’s still there.  We hit yet another bump in the road with his visa BUT we’re not giving up yet.  We are going to fight until…. We haven’t decided what the breaking point will be but I guess we’ll know when we get there.  I’m preparing to go visit my hubby in a few days.  I’m happy to be able to spend my birthday with him again this year.  This has been the longest period of time we’ve been apart to this point in our relationship.  It’s not getting any easier but we’re both committed to seeing the visa process through and to making our marriage work.  We’re way past the distance makes the heart grow fonder stage.  I remain very thankful for the time we did have together right after we were married.  We know each other well and as I’ve mentioned before we have a good balance.  When he’s feeling low I can support us both and vice versa.  To this point we’ve been able to take turns freaking out LOL.

I appreciate all of the support, prayers and well wishes I receive from everyone.  I’m in awe at times of how many people are actually following my journey.  Many times I feel like I’m in this all alone, well with my husband of course.  In the grand scheme of things there are very few people who have experienced anything like this so I guess it’s normal to feel somewhat alone.  You’d be amazed at how many people ask, “Why can’t he just come here to visit you?”  Oh my I wish he could trust me but the reality is that he cannot leave his country at all without a visa.  American’s don’t realize how good we have it.  Get your passport and you can go almost anywhere.  The citizens of other less fortunate countries have to suffer through the visa process.  Recently I was at the nail salon and the owner asked me how it was going.  I began to complain about how long it’s taking, it’s been a year and a half etc.  She listened but then pointed to another young woman  and said, “She’s been waiting almost five years for her husband to get here.”  Needless to say I felt horrible for complaining about my situation when although we’ve been waiting for a year and a half for his visa, the majority of that time we were together and I’ve been able to visit him every few months.  This poor woman hasn’t been able to see her husband.  It was the reminder I needed to count my blessings. 

The closer it is to my trip it seems the worse I feel.  Of course I miss my husband dearly and I can’t wait to see him but I think I’m already anticipating how hard it’s going to be to leave him again.  I remember how hard it was leaving him in the beginning of our relationship.  Then at some point it got easier because I was only leaving for short periods of time, to come back to PA to visit my family here but the Dominican Republic was my home base.  I think it’s getting harder and harder to go there now because I left mentally six months ago.  When I came back in February to start working again I literally brought back almost everything I had there in anticipation of my husband joining me here soon.  Well soon  has been over six months now and there’s no end in sight.  So I’ve been a little down lately.  A good friend/coworker is always doing what she can to lift my spirits.  We work together so she sees me and my mood every day.  The other day I was especially down and she reminded me that “You can’t eat the fruit the same day  you plant the seed.”  Then she reminded me that “The only day on the calendar that matters is today.”  Last but not least she told me that “No matter how good or bad something is, it always changes.”  Today I’m feeling a little better and she sent me the following text message:

“ It’s like the night before Christmas.  You can’t sleep but you know the only way for the next day to come it to go to sleep.  You’re ready to be in the Dominican Republic and you’re ready to never have to go back to the Dominican Republic.  You’re ready for the next chapter.”

I couldn’t have expressed it better myself.

Although I’m ready for the next chapter I’m also very aware of the fact that tomorrow isn’t promised and that spending too much time planning for the future isn’t the best use of the time I have today.  I’m not throwing all caution to the wind and just living my life for today BUT I plan to make good use of every minute that I get to spend with my husband on this upcoming trip.  He will get his visa one day or he won’t but no matter what the outcome our time together no matter what country that’s in is our time together. 

Well that's all for now.  I'll post again after my trip.  Blessings to you all and remember to appreciate all the moments as they come.

In my feels

Today I have no words to express how I'm feeling so I choose to share something I wrote a few weeks ago but hadn't shared until now.  Sharing a couple of recent pictures of us even though we're apart, we're still connected and closer than ever.  

I used to journal everyday but not so much anymore.  I realized recently that I’ve been avoiding putting pen to paper because I’m afraid of what might come out. 

I’ve been trying to suppress my emotions, hold it all together because I feel, well at times I feel like I could explode but then there’s those times when I feel absolutely nothing. 

I sit alone in my house and listen to the loudness of the quiet. 

Every now and then I hear a creak or sounds of the house settling and I’m jealous. 

Yes I’m jealous that the house is comfortable enough to relax and settle. 

I can barely settle on what to eat or what to wear. 

I used to be a planner but not anymore. 

My calendar pages are blank just like my eyes when I look in the mirror. 

I see me but is it really me? 

I can’t seem to figure out how to express this..

is it an emotion?

A feeling?

A state of…

Has time stood still?

Am I moving or have I stopped?

There are often tears

But I’m not sad, happy, or hurt

There’s just tears.

I’m here but not there and

He’s there but not here

We are two heartbeats

One love

In two different worlds

Physically thousands of miles away

But closer than ever

He’s the peace to my storm and

I’m  his voice of reason

When there’s absolutely no reasoning

In spite of it all

I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE

I’ve lived my life to the fullest

I’ve traveled

Tried new things

Learned new things,

Language, culture and

How to love and be loved like never before

I’ve given back what I could

And I’ve accepted what I’ve been given

I’m not where I was five years ago

And I don’t expect to be in this same place five years from now.

I am in this moment the absolute best me that I can possibly be.

Time is what you make of it.

I'm grateful for these moments.

 

Time is something that we all take for granted.  We never know how much time we have and yet we are always putting things off until later.  Saying I’ll get around to it or I’ll deal with it later.

In my lifetime there have been so many inventions and gadgets that are supposed to save us time but honestly, I think I have less time now than I did before.  Recently while visiting my cousin we talked about how the invention of the cell phone has its benefits for sure but also has its pitfalls.  She commented on how often she has noticed that when people are together in social settings they aren’t really spending time together, everyone is glued to their phone.  I admitted that I too am guilty of always being on my phone. 

I think it’s a natural thing for you to become more aware of time as you get older.  As your children grow up and go out on their own you might start to wonder where the time went.  In some cases, you might look back and wish you had done things differently or spent more time when you had the chance.  When a loved one passes away it’s normal to think about all the things we wished we had done or said to them before they left us.  If you’re reading this, it’s a good chance you’ve been following my journey with my husband.  This journey has really taught me the value of time.  You might be thinking I’m referencing the time we were able to spend together over the past two years, and yes, I do value that time but I’m actually beginning to focus more on the time we’re spending apart right now.  After many months of literally crying every day and complaining to everyone about it a switch finally flipped in my head one day and I realized that this time right now, with us being apart is very valuable time.  I wasn’t quite sure how to express it until today when I received an email from one of my daily devotionals.    It was titled the work you can do while you wait.  The premise for this devotional came from Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.    It talked about how our wait is never wasted.  It mentions a few well-known characters from the Bible and reviews how they worked while they waited for promised blessings.  I read and reread the entire email multiple times and each time I read I became aware of another reason why I’m currently in a waiting pattern.   There were and still are so many things that I needed to accomplish.  Having spent most of the past two years in the Dominican Republic there were many things back here in Pennsylvania that were neglected.  I’ve had time to take care of some of those things. 

I’ve been able to focus on preparing my house and myself for my husband’s arrival.  There was work that I needed to complete before his arrival and I needed to be able to provide more support to my mom as she continues to grow and expand on her vision for her business. Also my daughter needed me during the end of her high-risk pregnancy.  My grand babies need more MiMi time.  As I took a few steps back to see things from a wider angle it became very clear to me that there was a reason for this time.  Now that I’ve realized this the days are much easier to get through without my husband here with me.  Trust me I still miss him dearly, but I know that there’s purpose and I need to remain patient. 

This time apart has brought my husband and I closer together.  We talk more, and the conversations are deeper.  More than just how are you doing, what did you do today etc.  It’s amazing to me how he can just look at me and see my mood, happy, sad, tired or whatever.  He can see my sadness when those who I interact with everyday don’t seem to notice.  It’s easy to begin to overlook things or take things or someone for granted when they’re always there with you.  Once they’re gone that’s when you start to realize their absence and all the things they were doing to enhance your life. 

I’m taking this opportunity to slow down a bit and pay attention to all that is happening around me, trying to make the best use of this time.  Of course, I have no idea when this time alone will end or my time in general so I’m trying to make the very best of it.  I encourage you all to take some time to evaluate exactly how you are spending your time.  Is it worth it?  Only you can answer that.  Thanks for reading and I will keep everyone posted on our Visa journey.