The Reason

 

372 days ago is when this picture was taken.  It is also the number of days since the last time I saw my husband in person. My plans for 2020 like most people were interrupted by the pandemic.  2020 is being referred to as the worst year ever for most people. Although I agree that things did not exactly go according to my plan, I was able to make a few things happen this year. I published 3 journals, 1 novel and 1 poetry anthology. I was also able to begin working with a couple of clients as a life coach. I have done a handful of workshops about journaling and healthy relationships. I have no idea how, but I was also able to work full time, for most of the year and also help with my family’s business while also taking online classes in the spring and fall.  Somehow, I was even able to get straight A’s.  I titled this post The Reason because as I have navigated my way through this very difficult and challenging year, I have at many points along the way taken the time to stop and remember that everything happens or doesn’t for a reason.

A few people have asked me how I do it, being apart from my husband for such long periods of time.  My response is, I don’t want to do it but since I have no choice, I just do it. It has taken me a very long time to realize or shall I say accept that things happen in God’s time not mine. I choose to focus on all the things I have been able to do and are still able to do versus focusing on what I can't do.  Yes, I miss my husband like crazy but we’re both still here, alive, in good health and in love and that is a blessing. It is very difficult living alone at times, but I can still remember when I was living alone without a husband to call and talk to.  Despite not being able to see him in the flesh I can still say that some of my best times are when we are video chatting or texting each other. He is still the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to at night before bed.

I know there is a reason why we are apart right now. Just like there is a reason why one of my college courses this year was about intimate relationships and I have a completely new understanding and appreciation for my relationship with my husband. While many people have struggled with learning how to live with those in their households this year. My husband and I have been learning how to live without each other, while still loving each other and remaining prayerful and positive. My grandmother used to tell me that anything worth having takes work.  All marriages are work but this one has been double shifts and overtime work. For those of you wondering if I could go back and make a different decision.  The answer is absolutely not.  I would have still said yes.  Maybe some other decisions that I made along the way would have been different but not marrying my husband is not one that I would change. Marrying him has changed me.  I think for the better, but some may feel different. Marrying him has humbled me.  Made me see things very differently and appreciate things so much more.  I think for many people this year has taught us to cherish every moment and to live in the moment, to be present in our lives.

Many people have lost loved ones this year.  For those of you reading this who have lost close family and/or friends my heart goes out to you as I realize how difficult it has been for so many.  Our worlds have been turned upside down.  We can no longer do all of the things we have become accustomed to doing in the past. As we enter in the holiday season it’s very odd to not be planning the big family celebrations.  I was faced with the difficult decision to cancel my travel plans to visit my husband a few weeks ago.  As much as I wanted to go, I just couldn’t do it.  The force keeping me here was much stronger than the force pulling me away.  In other words it just didn’t feel right.  No I am NOT living in fear, I am following my gut and my gut told my butt to stay put.

I don't know when but when it's time I will see hubby again.  Until then I will continue to stay positive and enjoy each moment, text message, phone call or video chat as I can. I encourage everyone to practice self-care as much as possible and to check on others during this difficult time. Let's not spend too much time dwelling on the past and all of the challenges we faced this year. Let's think about how blessed we are to still be here right now and enjoy this moment as best we can.

Lastly I want to thank everyone who has supported me this year.  I appreciate you all so much.