It's been over two years since I visited my blog or posted anything. When I came here tonight and read my last post I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness. What my daughter, Jenni went through in the summer of 2013 was something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The experience has left deep wounds and scars that are not seen by others but are felt by those involved on a daily basis. Our precious Camden didn't make it. He was born and died on July 9th 2013. It was a day that I will never forget. One of the hardest things for a mother is to watch her child suffer or be in a great deal of pain and not be able to do anything about it. The truth is that although we are mourning the death of Camden I almost lost my child that day as well. I wasn't able to deal with the reality of that or my feelings about it because I had to be strong for my baby girl who had just lost her child. I remember coming home that night and completely losing it. I was only able to cry for a few minutes as I gathered my things to return to the hospital to spend the night with my grieving child. All the while wanting to grab her in my arms and thank God for not taking her from me but feeling so selfish for having those thoughts since she had lost her child.
You may be thinking that people lose children everyday and yes that's true. There is no situation that is better or worse in my opinion when it comes to losing a child. There's a great debate among some about our loss. The question being is the loss of a child at 6 months gestation just as horrible as the loss of a six month old baby? Some would say that losing the 6 month old is absolutely worse than losing a child who was born too soon. The argument being that you never had a chance to bond with that child yet since they weren't born yet. That is an absolute false statement. A woman bonds with her child from the moment she realizes she's expecting, and if not then certainly when they hear their heartbeat for the first time. The first time they see their baby on the ultrasound or feel the flutters of their first movements. Although we never got a chance to see Camden's smile or hear his cry we miss him and all that he could have been and done. We will never know what his eyes looked like or what his little voice sounded like.
All of my life I heard the saying that 'time heals all wounds'. After this experience I'm not so sure that's true. There are some wounds that will never completely heal. When you touch them there will always be even the slightest amount of pain, just enough to remind you of how you got that scar in the first place. Those memories usually followed by a flood of emotions and possibly tears. This pain isn't something that will just go away. There's no magic pill. If you see my Jenni walking down the street you wouldn't know the pain that she carries with her. Unless you or someone close to you has one you wouldn't know that the necklace around her neck holds her precious little angels ashes. She literally holds him close to her heart everyday. My daughter is among a very special group a mothers. She's the mother of a precious little angel in Heaven.
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