I'm taking a little break from just providing updates on my situation. There's no update and it's still a situation. I want to talk about relationships in this post. Pull up a chair, grab something to drink and maybe some popcorn too. I'd love to hear feedback on this one as I know there will be plenty of other thoughts on this topic.
Recently I’ve found myself giving a lot of advice to various people about their relationships. I should point out that they asked my opinion. In some cases they’re married and in others they’re just in a relationship or situationship. The bottom line is that there are many people in various stages of relationships and they're struggling. I am by no means an expert on this topic. I’m honestly not sure that anyone is. My truth is that I am on my 3rd marriage. Although I’ve been divorced twice I feel that I have some life experiences to share to maybe help others avoid going through what I did. My social media pages are full of people looking for the one, others thought they found the one and now they are giving up on that and moving onto the next. My opinion, and it’s just that my opinion that’s why I have a blog to share my thoughts and feelings, is in general is that people these days give up too easily, too soon. If I’m being honest with you all I feel that maybe I gave up too soon on my prior marriages. I was young and impatient in some aspects. Who knows how things could have been if I had been more patient. The reality is that no one is in it for the long haul anymore. People are chasing happiness in others when happiness comes from within. I don’t know much but I know that if you are not happy with yourself you will not be happy with anyone else no matter how fine, rich or put together they are. The number one problem with relationships is we tend to look outside of ourselves to find our happiness. We focus too much on things that don’t matter. How someone looks, how much stuff they have or how good they are in bed. Looks change, things are lost or taken away and with age and time sex also becomes less and less important (trust me it does).
I recently saw a debate on FB. The question was could you stay with someone who didn’t really satisfy you sexually? The responses were all over the place and some were very funny. I choose to just observe and not share my views on this topic as I knew my views wouldn’t be very popular. So here’s my take on it. First my disclaimer is that I really enjoy sex BUT it is not the most important thing to me in a relationship. My concern has always been to make sure the other person was satisfied and my satisfaction comes from giving them pleasure. Again my unpopular option here is that sex should be a selfless act. If you go into solely for the purpose of your own pleasure I’m thinking although you might achieve your goal for a moment in the long run you might feel otherwise. (I’m sure I’ve lost a lot of you but hang in there with me). Humans are one of a few species that actually have sex for pleasure. Yes we are blessed in that way but sex is for reproduction, that’s it’s primary purpose. The fact that it’s also pleasurable is a bonus. As we age our bodies change and so does our desire for sex (although it seems there are many senior citizens in retirement homes and communities who are really going hog wild these days SMH. Probably because some man somewhere invented Viagra.) My point is at some point we get to a place where we typically crave intimacy in different ways, not just sexual. This doesn’t necessarily have to coincide with age, I believe it comes from maturity. I do not consider myself old by any means and there was a time in my life when I placed a lot more importance on sex that I should have. I’m happy to say that I’ve matured to a place where sex has a health place in my life. Intimacy beyond the sexual experience is awesome and something worth waiting for.
The most precious thing to me is to see couples who have been together for decades. They’ve had children together, maybe even grand and great grands. When I see them I smile and I can only imagine the storms they weathered together through the years. That’s the key is knowing there will be storms and finding the person that you’re willing to go through those storms with. Knowing that person is the one takes time. There is no specific time period and in some cases you just know from the moment you meet them (so I’m told). No matter how long you take to try to get to know someone there will always be situations that come up where they behave in a manner that you didn’t expect. That’s human nature and you must practice patience with one another during these times. Understanding that it will not always be 50/50. Sometimes your partner will need more and you need to be willing to give it and NOT throw it in their face or expect that you’ll get the extra that you gave back. When we give someone something, a gift it’s supposed to be just that a gift. Not something you do because of what you might receive in return.
Another big thing is communication. Real communication where you listen to understand and not just to respond with your rebuttal. Observing your partner to really get to know them and understand them. One of the things I love the most about my husband is how well he knows me. He can read my mood without me saying a word. He can look at me and assess my current state of mind. Even when we’re apart he can tell by my responses to him even via text message how I’m feeling. If he asks how I’m doing and I say I’m okay or I’m fine. He may ask for me to send him a picture. From that picture he can assess my current situation. Beyond that he knows what I like and what I don’t. There are those things that he loves that I don’t care for but I put up with them anyway because they bring him joy and he does the same for me. Again it’s that selflessness that you express to the one you love.
Oftentimes we get caught up in that new relationship feeling. You know that feeling when you first meet someone that you’re attracted to. The thought of them makes you smile, the sound of their voice gives you butterflies or goosebumps. All you can think about is being with them. The physical attraction is amazing. Unfortunately that new relationship feeling is very similar to that new car smell. It fades away and would you really trade your car in because it doesn’t smell new anymore? Of course not. In fact lets stick with this new car analogy for a minute. When your car is brand new you might take good care of it. Keeping it washed and the inside clean. Maybe you don’t allow people to eat or smoke in your car to preserve it’s nice new look. When we’re in a new relationship we tend to do the same thing. We put our best foot forward to impress our partner. Show them all the good stuff to reel them in. At some point when we feel comfortable that we’ve got them then we begin to relax and some of the things we’ve been hiding begin to creep to the surface. This is where many people begin to feel disenchanted with their relationship. When their partner begins to behave in ways that seem new to you, you might feel as if you’ve been deceived. Another thing we have to remember is that a healthy person has continuous growth throughout their life. The trick is to find someone you can growth with and still live with. Sometimes people outgrown one another or one partner grows and the other doesn’t at all. This can cause resentment and conflict.
I recently told my husband that he’s not exactly the person I thought he was when I first met him BUT I still loved him anyway. At first he didn’t understand why I felt he was different but after explaining it he understood and we both agreed that there were things we didn’t see or recognize in the beginning but now we do. It’s human nature. Love is blind. We both agreed to keep the lines of communication open and express to each other how we're feeling about things as the naturally change. Our relationship is still fairly new so we'll see how things go as time passes.
That's all for now. Remember this is my opinion and it doesn't mean I'm right or wrong, it's just my thoughts.
x
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