In my feels

Today I have no words to express how I'm feeling so I choose to share something I wrote a few weeks ago but hadn't shared until now.  Sharing a couple of recent pictures of us even though we're apart, we're still connected and closer than ever.  

I used to journal everyday but not so much anymore.  I realized recently that I’ve been avoiding putting pen to paper because I’m afraid of what might come out. 

I’ve been trying to suppress my emotions, hold it all together because I feel, well at times I feel like I could explode but then there’s those times when I feel absolutely nothing. 

I sit alone in my house and listen to the loudness of the quiet. 

Every now and then I hear a creak or sounds of the house settling and I’m jealous. 

Yes I’m jealous that the house is comfortable enough to relax and settle. 

I can barely settle on what to eat or what to wear. 

I used to be a planner but not anymore. 

My calendar pages are blank just like my eyes when I look in the mirror. 

I see me but is it really me? 

I can’t seem to figure out how to express this..

is it an emotion?

A feeling?

A state of…

Has time stood still?

Am I moving or have I stopped?

There are often tears

But I’m not sad, happy, or hurt

There’s just tears.

I’m here but not there and

He’s there but not here

We are two heartbeats

One love

In two different worlds

Physically thousands of miles away

But closer than ever

He’s the peace to my storm and

I’m  his voice of reason

When there’s absolutely no reasoning

In spite of it all

I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE

I’ve lived my life to the fullest

I’ve traveled

Tried new things

Learned new things,

Language, culture and

How to love and be loved like never before

I’ve given back what I could

And I’ve accepted what I’ve been given

I’m not where I was five years ago

And I don’t expect to be in this same place five years from now.

I am in this moment the absolute best me that I can possibly be.

Time is what you make of it.

I'm grateful for these moments.

 

Time is something that we all take for granted.  We never know how much time we have and yet we are always putting things off until later.  Saying I’ll get around to it or I’ll deal with it later.

In my lifetime there have been so many inventions and gadgets that are supposed to save us time but honestly, I think I have less time now than I did before.  Recently while visiting my cousin we talked about how the invention of the cell phone has its benefits for sure but also has its pitfalls.  She commented on how often she has noticed that when people are together in social settings they aren’t really spending time together, everyone is glued to their phone.  I admitted that I too am guilty of always being on my phone. 

I think it’s a natural thing for you to become more aware of time as you get older.  As your children grow up and go out on their own you might start to wonder where the time went.  In some cases, you might look back and wish you had done things differently or spent more time when you had the chance.  When a loved one passes away it’s normal to think about all the things we wished we had done or said to them before they left us.  If you’re reading this, it’s a good chance you’ve been following my journey with my husband.  This journey has really taught me the value of time.  You might be thinking I’m referencing the time we were able to spend together over the past two years, and yes, I do value that time but I’m actually beginning to focus more on the time we’re spending apart right now.  After many months of literally crying every day and complaining to everyone about it a switch finally flipped in my head one day and I realized that this time right now, with us being apart is very valuable time.  I wasn’t quite sure how to express it until today when I received an email from one of my daily devotionals.    It was titled the work you can do while you wait.  The premise for this devotional came from Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.    It talked about how our wait is never wasted.  It mentions a few well-known characters from the Bible and reviews how they worked while they waited for promised blessings.  I read and reread the entire email multiple times and each time I read I became aware of another reason why I’m currently in a waiting pattern.   There were and still are so many things that I needed to accomplish.  Having spent most of the past two years in the Dominican Republic there were many things back here in Pennsylvania that were neglected.  I’ve had time to take care of some of those things. 

I’ve been able to focus on preparing my house and myself for my husband’s arrival.  There was work that I needed to complete before his arrival and I needed to be able to provide more support to my mom as she continues to grow and expand on her vision for her business. Also my daughter needed me during the end of her high-risk pregnancy.  My grand babies need more MiMi time.  As I took a few steps back to see things from a wider angle it became very clear to me that there was a reason for this time.  Now that I’ve realized this the days are much easier to get through without my husband here with me.  Trust me I still miss him dearly, but I know that there’s purpose and I need to remain patient. 

This time apart has brought my husband and I closer together.  We talk more, and the conversations are deeper.  More than just how are you doing, what did you do today etc.  It’s amazing to me how he can just look at me and see my mood, happy, sad, tired or whatever.  He can see my sadness when those who I interact with everyday don’t seem to notice.  It’s easy to begin to overlook things or take things or someone for granted when they’re always there with you.  Once they’re gone that’s when you start to realize their absence and all the things they were doing to enhance your life. 

I’m taking this opportunity to slow down a bit and pay attention to all that is happening around me, trying to make the best use of this time.  Of course, I have no idea when this time alone will end or my time in general so I’m trying to make the very best of it.  I encourage you all to take some time to evaluate exactly how you are spending your time.  Is it worth it?  Only you can answer that.  Thanks for reading and I will keep everyone posted on our Visa journey.

Look beneath the surface

I’m usually brutally honest here with you all so why change now right?  The past few weeks have been really hard for me for a number of reasons.  I miss my husband more and more each day.  I'm here but not there and he's there but not here.  We are two heartbeats, one love in two different worlds right now.  Physically over a thousand miles separate us yet we seem to be closer than ever.  He's my peace in the middle of the storm and I'm his voice of reason when there seems to be none at all.  

The weather has changed and there are so many things I want to do around my house but I can’t seem to find the strength to motivate myself to do any of it.  I’m waiting for my husband to arrive so that we can plan and decide together what things to do.  The most difficult thing for my husband and I recently has been watching another couple who we know get approved for a visa and we’re still waiting for ours.  On the surface it seems so unfair that they were able to move through the process with no issues.  Their process took less than a year to complete so we started six months ahead of them and he’s already here while we are still waiting.  I spent almost a week looking at things from the surface level and falling deeper and deeper into my personal hole each day.  I fell into this cycle which I’ll refer to as the wash, rinse and repeat cycle.  That’s where I go through the motions of each day. You know, wake up, shower, get dressed, eat, go to work, eat, go home, sleep.  Going through each day holding in all my emotions because everything was right there  at the surface.  As I encountered people who know of my present struggles with the visa I pray that they don’t ask me how it’s going because I don’t want to unleash all the frustrations on them like a tidal wave.  I stayed in this place for the better part of a week.  I had my daily talk with God throughout this process. 

 One day I received the gentle reminder I needed from the universe.  I encountered an acquaintance who stopped to chat and she asked me how things were going.  Just as I was about to unleash all those emotions and begin to complain to her about my husband not being here with me etc. I was reminded that she had lost her husband within the past year, so I kept all those negative thoughts to myself and silently thanked God that my husband was still here. Then I encountered another woman who asked me how things were going and before I began to complain I remembered that she’s single right now so I thought better of complaining about being all alone in my house right now.  


I slowly began to see gentle reminders everywhere I went that I was just looking at things from the surface level and I needed to dig deeper.  First I started off by taking a mental inventory of all of my blessings.  That took me almost a full week.  Yes I have been very blessed and I had lost sight of it for a minute.  Then I started to think about how things will change when my husband does arrive and I realized that although I've been waiting for him to come for several months now I wasn't really ready for him to be here yet.  Once I realized that I sprung into action taking care of things I needed to in order to prepare for him to come.  One of the first things I did was hang up our wedding picture.  It's been sitting in the corner for months wrapped up and I decided that it needed to breath so I unwrapped it and hung it up myself.  

I've been busy really getting ready for his arrival and along the way I'm amazed at all the things I hadn't realized that I needed to attend to before his arrival.  So now I'm at the point where I feel like I'm within 24 - 48 hours of being ready for him to be here meaning that the remaining preparations would only take me 24 - 48 hours to complete once I know he's on his way.  I told my husband the other day that when we first got married I was there with him so that we could learn to live together as husband and wife.  Now we are learning to live apart as husband and wife so that when we are back together again we will appreciate that time together even more.
As much as I want him here like right now it will happen when the time is right.  I'm learning to heed the words found in Psalm 27:14 Wait patiently for the LORD.  Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.

Prayer is powerful so please keep us in prayer.