In my feels

Today I have no words to express how I'm feeling so I choose to share something I wrote a few weeks ago but hadn't shared until now.  Sharing a couple of recent pictures of us even though we're apart, we're still connected and closer than ever.  

I used to journal everyday but not so much anymore.  I realized recently that I’ve been avoiding putting pen to paper because I’m afraid of what might come out. 

I’ve been trying to suppress my emotions, hold it all together because I feel, well at times I feel like I could explode but then there’s those times when I feel absolutely nothing. 

I sit alone in my house and listen to the loudness of the quiet. 

Every now and then I hear a creak or sounds of the house settling and I’m jealous. 

Yes I’m jealous that the house is comfortable enough to relax and settle. 

I can barely settle on what to eat or what to wear. 

I used to be a planner but not anymore. 

My calendar pages are blank just like my eyes when I look in the mirror. 

I see me but is it really me? 

I can’t seem to figure out how to express this..

is it an emotion?

A feeling?

A state of…

Has time stood still?

Am I moving or have I stopped?

There are often tears

But I’m not sad, happy, or hurt

There’s just tears.

I’m here but not there and

He’s there but not here

We are two heartbeats

One love

In two different worlds

Physically thousands of miles away

But closer than ever

He’s the peace to my storm and

I’m  his voice of reason

When there’s absolutely no reasoning

In spite of it all

I AM BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE

I’ve lived my life to the fullest

I’ve traveled

Tried new things

Learned new things,

Language, culture and

How to love and be loved like never before

I’ve given back what I could

And I’ve accepted what I’ve been given

I’m not where I was five years ago

And I don’t expect to be in this same place five years from now.

I am in this moment the absolute best me that I can possibly be.