Crash

I titled this post crash because my two worlds came together this week and I was reminded of one of my favorite movies titled Crash.  It's a movie about race, class, family and gender in Los Angeles in the aftermath of 9/11.  Although the movie begins and ends with a vehicle collision I am happy to report that my week did not.  Which is somewhat hard to believe since everyone drives like maniacs in this county. My parents arrived as scheduled I picked them up at the airport, got them checked into their hotel and then I brought them to the house for dinner.  My sister in law cooked a very nice meal and everyone loved it.  My sister in law is a great cook.  She really needs to open a restaurant or something. My mom talked about that food for days LOL.  My parents were very happy with how their initial meeting went with their new son in law.  Everything went well and they both think he's a nice young man but they just wish that they could communicate with him more.  I knew the communication thing was going to be an issue and I tried to prep my mother to set her expectation.  I did have my Ipad available with google translate ready to use and they did use it to ask him a few questions and he was able to respond but it's just not the same as being able to sit down and have a conversation with someone.  My mom's first question was 'tell me about yourself''  Raulin just looked at me and made a face when he read the question LOL.  Once I explained to mom that she needed to be a little bit more specific things got better.  We passed the Ipad around and everyone was able to ask questions or say what they wanted to say.  I made one of my parents favorite desserts, ambrosia which was a little different that how I make it back home because I couldn't find cool whip anywhere in Puerto Plata so redi whip had to do.

Back to the movie Crash.  This week reminded me of the movie because my parents and I spent a lot of time this week discussing our varying views on life here in the Dominican Republic.  We debated what the word culture really means and if it's really possible for people to be happy living the way that most do here in this country.  I had to keep reminding myself that I've been immersed in this culture for a long time now so I'm a lot more used to things than they are this being their first visit.  It also opened my eyes to exactly how much I have assimilated into the culture because they pointed out several things that I hadn't even thought of or don't pay much attention to.  I also realize that my view is much different because I'm in love and we all know that love makes you do the strangest things at times.  My stepfather was quick to point out or shall I say remind me that if it weren't for my husband I wouldn't be here either.  Although that may be true I also feel that there is a reason for me to be here.  I feel that life is a series of lessons that we need to learn.  There is a lesson here for me, probably several lessons honestly.  I truly believe that I met my husband under these circumstances because it was necessary in order for me to learn the lessons that I needed to from this relationship.  If I had met my husband in the United States I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't be married right now.  In fact I would go so far as to say that we probably wouldn't even be together right now.  I'm somewhat of a control freak.  This quality has been one of the reasons so many of my relationships failed in the past.  I have a hard time letting go and allowing the man to be a man and lead.  Okay ladies don't get all bent out of shape because of that statement.  We may have to agree to disagree on this one but it is my belief that as the Bible states the man is supposed to be the head of the household.  That doesn't mean that he is to lord over his wife or that the wife is supposed to be submissive by any means.  I'm not making excuses for my bad behavior in the past but I think that I wasn't able to allow a man to be a man and lead me because I hadn't found one that I trusted or had enough confidence in to lead me.  That may be a part of my daddy issues because I didn't have a good relationship with my real father but that's another blog post.  So anyway I think it was important for me to meet my husband on his turf so to speak so that I would have no choice but to allow him to lead because I don't know the language or the culture.  I literally had to put my life in his hands as I came to this unknown country.  This dynamic has set the precedent that he has to lead and I have to trust in him enough to allow him to lead.  I believe this is building a solid foundation for our relationship.  Obviously when he moves to the United States with me this will be very different and I have no idea how he will handle the major culture shock  but I do know that the foundation that we've built here in the Dominican Republic will allow us to move forward with whatever challenges lie ahead because we have developed and built mutual trust and respect for each other.

If you haven't seen the movie Crash I highly recommend that you do.  The acting was in my opinion superb and the message was clear.  As humans we tend to respond to people or treat them a certain way based on their race or culture and our preconceived notions of how they are.  My parents visit brought me back to this movie and the message because of some of the assumptions that were made about the people here and their lives.  I made the statement that I've met some of the poorest people I've even know here but they were also the happiest people I've ever met.  My statement was challenged because the thought is that there is no way that someone could be  happy living here under these conditions.  So because they are poor, they cannot be happy?  If you've only ever known this way of life why is it not possible to be happy?  I don't have the answer to any of these questions, I don't think anyone does.  I cannot define another persons happiness.  I can tell you that my husband was born and raised here.  His family has always struggled but they made it work and he's very proud of his childhood and his life here in the Dominican Republic.  When we first met and starting dating he told me that he didn't want to leave here to go to the United States.  His preference was for me to come to live here with him.  When it became obvious to him that I was not willing or able to move to the Dominican Republic he made the decision to come to the United State with me.   I honestly think that we will eventually end up back in the Dominican Republic living full time but for now I'm not ready to leave my home in the United States.

We are now moving into uncharted territory in our relationship.  I have been here longer now than any prior visit.  This is the longest period of time that we have spent together since we met.  I mentioned this to my husband last night and he said "siempre hay una primera vez" Which translates in English to There is always a first time.  We've definitely settled into a rhythm now.  He goes to work in the morning and I have the staring role in the reality show the housewives of the Dominican Republic LOL.  Seriously next week I will delve a little more into my day to day life here.  For now I will close this post and I welcome your feedback and comments.  I want to remind everyone reading this that these are my thoughts and feelings.  I do not intend to offend anyone by anything I share here. 

New Year same old me

It's 2018 now.  So now what?  I'm not a resolution type of person.  I honestly don't feel any different now than I did a few days ago when it was 2017.  The new year is like turning the page in my planner.  I'm the same person just a different date.  Although I do have some big decisions to make this year I'm not rushing into anything.  Taking each day as it comes (wow this lifestyle is really getting to me LOL)

In my last blog entry I wrote about my first Dominican Christmas so I think it's only fitting that I write about my first Dominican New Years Eve in this one.  During the day on the 31st we were out all day in the country or 'campo' as the Dominicans say.  I took my laptop with me and was able to capture some of my thoughts while we were there.

Thoughts while at campo

Right now I am sitting outside in the middle of the country in a gazebo like structure. I am surrounded by cows, chickens, turkeys and ducks. There are bugs everywhere. There is poop everywhere. This is so not my thing. I just witnessed several ducks being chased down, killed and they are now in the pot that is resting upon wood that I saw the men chop and prepare into a fire. Ok so I am not going to eat duck, at least I don’t think I will but my husband loves this and I have grown to enjoy some of this like he does. It’s like everyday here with him is an excellent adventure. Because of the language barrier I rarely know what’s going on, what we are doing or where we are going but I follow him because I trust that he will take care of me and make sure that I am okay. He usually does. I say usually because there was this one time that he took me to what he calls ‘campo’ which is just a fancy way to say way out in the country with no civilization. So it was not a good day because there was no bathroom. There was an out house and me standing over a hole in the ground to pee is NOT my thing at all. That entire day was a mess from start to finish and to this point in our relationship I think it was the angriest I have ever been at him, but it really only lasted about an hour. After that hour I was over it. Yes, I was inconvenienced and way outside of my area of comfort but in the end, I didn’t die, although I wanted to when I peed all over myself trying to squat over the hole and I was wearing light colored shorts so everyone could see what I had done. I survived it and I expressed to him very calmly that any future trips to campo where there is no bathroom leave me at home.

So today here we are again at ‘campo’ but a different location and I see a house like structure nearby so I’m praying that there is a bathroom in there that I can use when it’s time.  I’m learning how to hold it longer and how to pace myself with my food and drink on these unknown adventures with him because I never know how long it will be before I can get to a bathroom again. 

I sometimes wonder how it will be for him and how he will handle the major cultural differences when he comes to the United States.  Will he be able to adapt as I have?  Maybe he will be a lot better at it than me.  I’m doing it because I have no choice most of the time.  And the other times I guess maybe I’m feeling a little adventurous and want to step outside of my comfort zone a little bit.  I do believe that the biggest issue for him is going to be the cold in the winter.  Second to that might be the food, he used to the way they prepare food here and it’s different at home.  I will prepare him some of his favorite dishes but it’s not going to be an everyday thing so he’s going to have to get used to some American food also.  The third thing is probably going to be the social aspect of life in the US.  He’s going to miss his family and his close-knit group of friends that he has here but I’m hopeful that he will make new friends quickly there. 

So, it’s the end of the year and as the new years starts there will be new experiences, challenges and yes of course some disappointments as well.  I threw away my rose-colored glasses and I realize there will be storms to weather, but I am absolutely committed to working through it all with him.  He is absolutely the man I’ve been searching for all my life.  Which is funny because he doesn’t have many of the things I thought I wanted or needed in a man.  I’ve learned through this experience and a few others that what we think we want or need is not necessarily what we want or need.   This man is so proud of me.  I just realized that he brought my books with us on this trip to show everyone.  Wow I’m in awe of his love, adoration and again he’s proud of me and my accomplishments which I swear I don’t think I’ve ever had in a man before.  He truly supports me and is proud of what I’ve accomplished.  I told him this morning that I needed to finish my blog entry before the end of the year so that’s today.  He encouraged me to bring my laptop with me so I could write while we were here and I am so glad that he did.  This environment although it’s outside of my comfort zone is very conducive to my creative juices.  It’s the simplicity of the life that touches me.  Although I was turned off by them hunting the ducks down and killing them it’s a part of the circle of life.  Cooking this food outside on this pile of wood that I saw them chop and put together is amazing to me.  It’s like no grill, no problem lol.

Bathroom update - I was wrong about the house like structure.  It only has three walls and no door.  There's a non functioning toilet, no paper and a whole in the cement.  So the bathroom saga at campo continues.

*******

The ducks were eaten, not by me and we cleaned up and headed home to relax for a couple of hours before heading out to the New Years party which was at his grandmothers house.  She lives right around the corner but I've never met her before which I thought was odd.  We both shower and change and head to the party.  It was just about what I expected.  Everyone was hanging around outside talking, drinking and eventually eating sancocho.  It was nice to meet his grandmother although I don't think she understood that I couldn't understand her LOL.  I met many other cousins, uncles and aunts and saw a lot of familiar faces from the wedding celebration.  According to my husband they stay up all night partying and he already knew I wasn't staying up all night so before we came to the party we decided when I was ready he would bring me back home and he could go back out.  I made it until about 2 am and then I was ready for bed.  I came back to the house and he went back out.  He and his cousin were planning to go back out to the campo to meet up with some other family to party until the sun rose.  I have no idea what time he got in but when I woke up in the morning he was lying beside me.  I found out later that they didn't go anywhere because it started to rain.  

I just finished reading the best book.  It's titled What About Your Saucepans by Lindsey De Feliz.  It's a true story about a woman from England who moved to the Dominican Republic.  I enjoyed the book so much because I could relate to her challenges with this culture and way of life.  I could also relate to the relationship she had with her husband.   Being in a committed relationship with anyone is a challenge but doing it with someone who is from another country adds a level of complexity that you simply cannot understand unless you live through it.  What I can tell you is that once you make the decision to embark on such an adventure it's not for the faint of heart.  There will be highs and lows.  It's takes courage, stamina, a sense of adventure and a lot of patience.

Today I'm preparing for my parents to arrive for a visit and to meet my husband.  I'm a little nervous.  I feel like I've been living two lives for the past year. There's my life back home in the United States that my close friends and family know and then there is this new life here in the Dominican Republic.  It would be very hard to many to believe that I live here in the Dominican Republic the way I do because of how I live when I am at home.  Let me be clear I have a modest home and life in the states but there are still major differences.  For example there is no hot water here.  We are fortunate to have running water where we live but there is no hot water.  All bathing, dish and clothes washing is done with cold water.  It is possible on a very hot summer day to get a warm shower if you are the first one to shower and the water has been sitting in the collection tank for awhile.  Which is pretty funny because in the summer when it's 100 degrees here you look forward to those cold showers to cool you off.  I remember the first time I experienced the almost warm water in the summer I was mad because I wanted cold water LOL.  The water pressure isn't very good either.

We have electricity most of the time but not always.  The electricity shuts itself off at certain times during the day.  This means that I cannot use the air conditioning that I had installed in the bedroom.  I also cannot use the microwave or any other outlets in the kitchen.  The fridge shuts off also.  My bright idea of sending over a crock pot to use to cook was not such a good idea based on this issue.  My first pot roast was ruined because midway through the slow cooking process the electricity shut off for several hours. I'm figuring out when the electricity down times are and doing my best to work around them. 

It's only the fifth day of this new year but at this point not much has changed nor do I expect it to.  I think most people start off with good intentions but you have to be realistic.  If you really want to do something you just do it no matter what the date is on the calendar.  Well there's 360 days left in this year to make those resolutions happen so get to cracking ya'll. 

I'm going to work on my next book now  I will talk to you all again next week after the parents visit.

2017 The Year of Me

2017 the year of me

So as this year comes to a close I wanted to take some time and reflect on what 2017 has meant to me.  Wow it's been quite an interesting ride.  I've made some really bold moves this year.  In April I retired from my very rewarding career at Aetna after being there for over 27 years.  I spent a lot of time traveling mostly to the Dominican Republic to visit my new boo which I eventually married in October.  I did manage to get some other trips in as well.  I visited Arizona to say goodbye to my management team before leaving Aetna.  I went to Myrtle Beach with my good girlfriend Karen and I had the pleasure of traveling with most of my family and my good friends to Bermuda for the milestone birthday's.  It was my 50th, my mom turned 70 this year.  My youngest turned 25 and my son turned 30 at the end of last year.  My oldest daughter Jasmine didn't make the trip due to her motherly obligations and neither did my youngest sister Michelle but they were with us in spirit.  My mom, stepdad, my sister Tanya and her best friend. My son Steven, Daughter Jenni, My BFF Maria, her husband Garfield and my good good girlfriend Karen and her husband Chris.  We all had a great time on the cruise.  This year I completed my Certified Recovery Specialist Training and passed the exam so I am an official CRS now.  I completed and graduated from the MLK Leadership Development Institute in June.  I also completed the advanced Chaplaincy class through UPMC Pinnacle Health System.  I'm not exactly sure what I am going to do with all of these new things yet but I believe I'm headed in the right direction.

I titled this post the year of me because as I stated above I've made some bold moves this year and it's the first time in a very long time that I feel like I've been living for me.  Some of ya'll mothers out there might be able to relate to this but when you become a mother you stop living for yourself.  You instantly become this little persons caregiver and it's your mission in life to protect and nurture them.  Now that all of my children are grown, my youngest is 25 I've decided to start doing some things for me.  I'm not trying to be selfish and I really hope that it doesn't come across that way but after being focused everyone else's well being for so long I thought it might be time to take a minute or two for myself.  Meeting my now husband and being able to travel since I'm retired helped me realize my dream of being a beach bum LOL.  Seriously I've always loved to travel and the beach is my thing.  My husband lives in the Dominican Republic very close to the beach so I've been able to go to the beach a lot more this year since I've been spending so much time here.

Although it may sound like it's been all fun and games it really has had it's challenges.  Don't get me wrong I am not complaining about it at all.  It's just reality that there would be challenges since life here in the Dominican Republic is very different than what I am used to.  I used to believe that I was the type of person who adapts to change well.  I have learned in recent years that is not necessarily the case.  I mean I can change and I do change but I don't like it.  Being here has also opened my eyes to just how incredibly fortunate I have been in my life and how much I've taken for granted.  Hot water, electricity and zip lock bags, just name a few.  The one thing I find very interesting about people here in the DR (Dominican Republic) is that they are some of the poorest people I have ever interacted with this closely but they are also absolutely the happiest people I've ever met.  They don't have much at all but whatever they have they will share it with you happily.  Ok I'm being honest here when I say I recognize that this is a good quality to have but I'm still a work in progress.  I don't always practice that sharing spirit.  In some cases I think they take this sharing thing to the extreme, for example (my son Steven is laughing right now.  Inside joke) I've learned to keep my towel with me, not to leave it in the bathroom because apparently anything and I do mean anything left in the bathroom becomes community property.  No towel, washcloth (although most people here don't use these) or toothbrush is safe.  To put this into perspective for everyone I don't like sharing a bathroom to the point where I built an addition onto my house so I could have my own bathroom.  So you can imagine how I felt when I realized that my towel was being used by others.  Please do not think that I am stereotyping every Dominican person here.  Clearly I can only speak to what I have observed with my friends and family here.  It's human nature to adapt to your environment and I truly  believe that is one of the reasons why there are the cultural differences.

If anyone had told me a year ago that I would be married now I would have told them that they were insane.  I never in a million years thought that I would be married again.  Many of my close friends and associates are still a bit in shock.  I've been married twice before and had many failed relationships so the thought of marriage for me was not a pleasant one.  A few have asked me why I decided to get married again now.  I really don't know the answer or at least how to explain it but I remember when my mom asked me why I told her that I was marrying him because I couldn't imagine my life without him.  He's not perfect, no one is.  We have our challenges at times but life is a series of tests and challenges and what I can tell you is that I want to go through the rest of mine with him.  It's a little unconventional of course since we live in two different countries but thus far we are making it work.  Of course I've been doing all of the traveling to him at this point since he doesn't have his visa yet but we are working on it. The Visa process might end up being an entire blog because this process is not easy at all.

It's been difficult doing this living for me thing even though my kids are grown they have been used to me being there for them for everything.  Needless to say they didn't take too kindly to this new found attitude of mine.  I also made the decision to spend Christmas in the DR with my husband this year since I would be our first one together as husband and wife.  That went over like a lead balloon with my family.  After many discussion and a few heated ones everyone seemed to understand that it was happening so off I went.  Remember earlier when I said I don't adapt well to change?  Well even though I made the decision to leave my family to come here it was still hard and honestly I didn't like it.  The Dominican Christmas was not at all what I expected it to be and I missed home.  I actually cried myself to sleep on Christmas Eve because I was so upset or shall I say so far outside of my comfort zone.  It seems that here in the DR the major celebration occurs on Christmas Eve and it consists of a big meal which absolutely must include pork and you already know they have to get their drink on so plenty of alcohol is also available. I was very disappointed when I discovered that my husband had to go to work on Christmas day so I was stuck in the house by myself all day while he was at work.  Again I cried and felt like an idiot for leaving my family to come here since I was going to be alone on Christmas Day.  My kids are great though, my oldest daughter took on my role to a certain extent.  I typically make breakfast on Christmas morning and most of my family comes over to my house to eat and we do Santa gifts for the kids and other gifts at my house.  In my absence this year my oldest daughter hosted breakfast and the santa and general gift exchange.  Although I wasn't able to be there in person I was able to participate via video chat.  I got to see their smiling faces and squeals of joy as they opened their gifts.  My husband ended up getting off work a little early and we were able to go to the beach for a little while which made my day.  I've always dreamed of being on the beach at Christmas time so I finally got to put my toes in the sand on Christmas day.

Even though I titled this the year of me of course it wasn't all about me.  I have to give a shout out to my wonderful mother, Patricia Gadsden.  This women continues to amaze me.  She has always been a risk taker.  When she puts her mind to something nothing and I mean NOTHING will stand in her way.  For many years my mother has been working on opening up a wellness center.  Her vision and dream has finally come alive.  We opened the Life Esteem Holistic Wellness center a few weeks ago.  Starting in the new year we will officially open and begin having a variety of workshops, exercise classes, and sessions to help the people in the Harrisburg community live a healthier lifestyle.

My children have provided me with endless laughs and a few heartaches this year but mostly smiles and laughter.  They may not believe this if they ever read this but I am proud of them all.  No they do not always make the choice I would make but it's their life to live not mine.  Life is about the choices we make and how we deal with the consequences of those choices.  Although I still give them all my opinion, more often than they would like I'm sure.  In the end I tell them it's their choice and if they like it then I love it.  In some ways I think me being away more now is forcing them to spread their wings a little more and fly on their own which is a little scary but necessary.

I'm not a New Years Resolution person.  I do typically at some point early in the year write down my goals for the year but honestly I've rarely met them all.  I find that I'm usually no where near the person I was in January by the time December roles around.  That is because I chose to learn and grow from my experiences.  In some cases maybe I over think things and over analyze every situation but it's who I am.  I've reached a point where I'm trying to enjoy the things in life that make me happy and avoid the things that don't because as the saying goes tomorrow isn't promised.  I no longer put off to tomorrow when I need to accomplish today.  Things that in the past would drive me absolutely insane no longer have that affect on me.  As I am learning to live with my new husband and I say it that way because I do have to learn how to share space with someone again because it's been awhile.  He's a man and does things that men do to drive women crazy.  In my prior relationships I may have said,"If he leaves the toilet seat up one more time I'm going to kill him."  Now as I put the toilet seat down I say to myself "I really love this man."  Am I still annoyed?  Of course but I  guess I've gotten to the point where I realize that bickering over the small things takes away from the big things. 

This year I've met new friends and I have a new family here in the Dominican Republic.  I've also strengthened connections with others along the way.  Every person I've interacted with this year in some way affected me, good and bad and I hope that along the way I have also touched someone's life, encouraged or motivated them in some way.   As I close out 2017 here in the Dominican Republic with my husband I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and I hope that 2018 is the year that you choose it to be for you.

In Between

This was originally created sometime in 2016
For awhile now I've been stuck.  In a funk, down in the dumps whatever you call it I know there are many people who can relate.  It's that unsettled feeling where you really can't put your finger on it but something just isn't quite right.  The feeling can hit you all of s sudden or creep up on  your slowly over a period of time.  I'm honestly not sure how mine came about this time.  There's been so much going on this year, health issues, challenges with trying to help my grown kids navigate life's ups and downs.  My family says they noticed a change in me after my surgery in March.  I've been grumpier (that's a nice way to put it).  I had my thyroid removed and am now on medication for the rest of my life to replace the thyroid hormones that were lost.  My levels are supposedly at an acceptable level now but I think my body was so used to the levels being off kilter that it hasn't adjusted to things being normal.  Isn't that funny?  I mean what's really normal anyway?  That word has always bothered me.  What is "normal" for one person may be completely out of whack for another.  So anyway here I am without my thyroid and apparently a major attitude about life.  I'm a fixer by nature so I see a problem and I'm trying to fix it.  Since the problem is within myself it's a little more difficult but I begin the process of self evaluation.  I try to look at every aspect of my life to determine where the problem area is.

After my surgery I lost my voice.  I'm a singer, LOVE to sing actually and singing in the church choir is one of my all time favorite things.  After my surgery when my voice didn't come back I was devastated.  If I'm being honest here I even went through a period of time where I found myself asking God what I did to cause him to take my voice (I know that's totally crazy).  I'm not saying I was the best singer in the world but I had a nice high soprano voice and now nothing.  It hurts my heart even typing this now.  My voice was one of the things I always thanked God for.  It was a gift that I knew came from him and I was proud to use it to praise his name.

Physically I'm a mess.  This isn't anything new, I've always had my share of health issues due to my mysterious auto immune disease called Sarcoidosis.  Besides my Thyroid issues this years health issue has centered around weakness in my left leg.  When I tell you that I have been to every type of specialist that exist to try to determine the cause of this issue I am not exaggerating.  It's been both expensive and frustrating to say the least.  Over the past 20 years I've dealt with this so after examining this aspect of my life I determined that this wasn't the cause of my funk.

Dec 2017 update - I never got to update this post until now.  I'm not sure when but the fog finally lifted.  Actually I think I know exactly when it lifted.  It was in June of 2016 when I got back to my passion and sang with the revival choir.  It was my first time singing since my thyroid surgery and it was an amazing experience.  I think I lost my voice so that I could find something else about myself.  I'll delve into this a little bit more later.  Also the issues with my leg went away as mysteriously as they appeared.

Loss of a child (Mother of a little angel)

It's been over two years since I visited my blog or posted anything.  When I came here tonight and read my last post I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness.  What my daughter, Jenni went through in the summer of 2013 was something I wouldn't wish on anyone.  The experience has left deep wounds and scars that are not seen by others but are felt by those involved on a daily basis.  Our precious Camden didn't make it.  He was born and died on July 9th 2013.  It was a day that I will never forget.  One of the hardest things for a mother is to watch her child suffer or be in a great deal of pain and not be able to do anything about it.  The truth is that although we are mourning the death of Camden I almost lost my child that day as well.  I wasn't able to deal with the reality of that or my feelings about it because I had to be strong for my baby girl who had just lost her child.  I remember coming home that night and completely losing it.  I was only able to cry for a few minutes as I gathered my things to return to the hospital to spend the night with my grieving child. All the while wanting to grab her in my arms and thank God for not taking her from me but feeling so selfish for having those thoughts since she had lost her child.

You may be thinking that people lose children everyday and yes that's true.  There is no situation that is better or worse in my opinion when it comes to losing a child.  There's a great debate among some about our loss.  The question being is the loss of a child at 6 months gestation just as horrible as the loss of a six month old baby?  Some would say that losing the 6 month old is absolutely worse than losing a child who was born too soon.  The argument being that you never had a chance to bond with that child yet since they weren't born yet.  That is an absolute false statement.  A woman bonds with her child from the moment she realizes she's expecting, and if not then certainly when they hear their heartbeat for the first time.  The first time they see their baby on the ultrasound or feel the flutters of their first movements.  Although we never got a chance to see Camden's smile or hear his cry we miss him and all that he could have been and done.  We will never know what  his eyes looked like or what his little voice sounded like.

All of my life I heard the saying that 'time heals all wounds'.  After this experience I'm not so sure that's true. There are some wounds that will never completely heal.  When you touch them there will always be even the slightest amount of pain, just enough to remind you of how you got that scar in the first place.  Those memories usually followed by a flood of emotions and possibly tears.  This pain isn't something that will just go away.  There's no magic pill.  If you see my Jenni walking down the street you wouldn't know the pain that she carries with her.  Unless you or someone close to you has one you wouldn't know that the necklace around her neck holds her precious little angels ashes.  She literally holds him close to her heart everyday. My daughter is among a very special group a mothers.  She's the mother of a precious little angel in Heaven.

2 down 3 to go

Whew!  We made it through another week and it was a tough one.  Emotions still running high, my daughter is scared, frustrated and extremely bored.  We've had1 more scare which sent us to the hospital but little Camden is hanging tough.  Heartbeat  is still strong and even though he has very little room to move around he still manages to punch and kick throughout the day to let us know he's ok.

We still have a long road ahead of us but we continue to pray and for the most part we remain strong although there are moments when both my daughter and I lose it.  The good thing so far is that it doesn't happen at the same time.  In fact I reserve my moments of "losing it" when I'm alone. 

I am frustrated and I get angry sometimes too.  I'm a fixer ask anyone who knows me well.  Come to me with a problem and I am always trying to come up with a solution.  This situation is so far out of my control it's driving me nuts.  I lie awake the other night thinking about all the ways I would go about fixing this.  With all the advances in medicine why hasn't someone come up with a way to seal the sac back up?  After doing my internet research on the situation it seems that premature membrane rupture is quite common.  So why hasn't some smart scientist come up with a medical version of fix a flat?  Seriously there has to be a way to pinpoint the area that has been compromised and glue it back together right?  Seems simple to me but what do I know?  I'm just a mother who is scared and watching her baby girl experience every emotion you could image on a daily basis. 

So we've made it two weeks and we have three more to go.  We have a pretty extensive prayer chain going and I thank everyone who is sending those prayers up because we certainly feel the blessings coming down.  Every day that we get closer to July 25th is a day closer to us making it through this crisis. 

Thy will be done

As I begin this entry I am not sure how to express everything that I am feeling.  The past seven days have been very difficult for me but this isn't even about me.  It's about a young woman who has shown me a tremendous amount of strength and resolve.  My youngest daughter is currently 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  She's only 20 years old and in perfect health so what she's going through right now is a surprise to everyone. 

A week ago tomorrow her water broke.  At first the news was devastating to us all.  The OB doctor painted a very grim picture of the situation.  We were told that since her membrane had ruptured she would lose the baby.  There was nothing they could do and no chance the baby could survive.  I realize that we are not the only people in the world who has been faced with something like this but this is our story and every persons experience is different.  To make matters worse when all of this happened I was out of town on a business trip, two hours away.  That drive home was the longest two hours of my life. 

Once I arrived home we were referred to a fetal medicine specialist.  The three of us, my daughter, her boyfriend and myself were very somber as we entered the ultrasound room.  The tech who would be performing our scan was very pleasant and bubbly.  She came into the room and asked us why we were all so sad?  Before any of us could respond she said "Let's check out this baby."  She began the scan and explained every body part as she performed the scan.  I breathed a sigh of relief when she showed us the heart and it was beating strong.  Also another huge sigh of relief when she showed us that there was still some fluid, although it was low, around the baby.  She showed us the baby's profile and then she asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby.  My daughter had been counting down the days to her ultrasound appointment to find out the sex and it was supposed to the following Tuesday.  In unison we all said yes.  The tech searched for a few minutes and finally said "well there is his scrotum but I can't see his penis because he has his hand wrapped around it."  We all laughed and cried tears of joy but all the while I was feeling very nervous.  I've never experienced anything like this before and from what I know the baby needs the fluid to survive. 

We get through the scan and then the doctor enters the room.  She explains that the baby looks good.  All the organs look good and there is in fact some fluid around the baby.  It's low but there is still some in there.  She explains our options.  The first option is to terminate the pregnancy, which I honestly do not know how you are supposed to make that decision after seeing a strong heartbeat and the profile of your baby's face.  She explained that some people make this decision because they don't want to continue on with the pregnancy knowing the risks.  The immediate risk is for infection and if that happens it pretty much game over she has to deliver and at this stage the baby will not survive.  Future risks are that the baby will be under developed when he's born and he won't survive due to poor lung development.  There is also the risk that he will have muscle atrophy because of the low fluid he won't be able to move around as much as he grows.  So many risks and scenarios but  my daughter and her boyfriend make the decision to press forward.  The doctor explains that she has to make it through the next five weeks without getting an infection and obviously not going into labor.  Initially they were going to just send us home with no restrictions but after I explain my daughters hectic work schedule (she basically works two full time jobs) they give us a note for her to remain out of work until further notice. 

So we head home with some hope and the first night she wanted to stay at her place.  I was concerned because she would be alone but I didn't protest much.  We made it through the first night and she decided halfway through the night that she wanted to come and stay with me.  She would come over the next morning.  So on Thursday morning she came over and we ran a few errands and we went out to eat.  All was good until Friday morning.  She woke up on Friday morning and when she went to the bathroom there was blood in the toilet and she freaked out.  We call the doctor and head back to the hospital.  I hold my breath all the way there.  I'm scared to death that she's going into labor and we are going to lose the baby.

We get to the hospital and we are taken into the labor and delivery suite that my sister delivered my little niece in two weeks earlier.  I struggled to maintain my composure as we walked into the room and waited for the doctor to come in.  The last time I was in this room I witnessed the birth of my niece a healthy full term baby.  As I sat in the same seat reality sat in and I became overcome with emotion thinking about the possibility that I may witness the birth of my grandson at 19 weeks knowing that he wouldn't survive.  All of these emotions going on inside of me but on the outside I remain calm.  I didn't want to alarm my daughter who was also struggling to hold it together.

A midwife comes in from the OB practice and they do an internal exam on her (probably not a good idea) and they confirm that her cervix is still closed (I thank GOD under my breath)  and then they check for the baby's heartbeat.  It's there and it's still strong.  Another sigh of relief.  Then they inform us that the fetal medicine doctor would be in to see us.  While we wait she goes to the bathroom a few more times and there isn't anymore blood which is of course a good sign.  Finally the doctors arrive and we are taken to get an ultrasound to check the baby.  The baby looks good and there is still some fluid, not a  lot but some which is good.  So again we are sent home to wait.

The nurse we had while at the hospital was actually a long time close family friend and she's very honest with us about the situation and she advises that we simply rest for the next five weeks.  Go from the bed to the shower to the couch and back to the bed.  That is our best chance for getting to 24 weeks.  24 weeks is the magic number because at that point she can be admitted into the  hospital and they will begin to monitor her and the baby on a daily basis.  So we heed her advice and since Friday we've been resting, no stairs unless absolutely necessary.  Since then the leaking has stopped and we've gone two days without any spotting.  She's feeling the baby move fairly regularly and her stomach is started to look full again (after her membrane ruptured her stomach went down considerably). 

I am a spiritual person and initially I found it hard to pray.  I mean I pray to God everyday but in this instance I didn't know what to ask him for.  This wasn't about me but it affects me.  I finally settled on praying to God and letting him know that I realize that this situation is totally out of my control.  That we have no idea why this happened and that we have no idea how this will end. I prayed to him and asked that he give me the strength to make it through whatever happens.  That has been my prayer everyday since this ordeal started.  I pray to God and ask that he give me the strength to endure whatever happens as I know it's his will that will be done. 

We are only 1 week into this journey and I will continue to provide updates via this blog on our journey towards the birth of Camden.  Please pray for us.