It's been over two years since I visited my blog or posted anything. When I came here tonight and read my last post I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness. What my daughter, Jenni went through in the summer of 2013 was something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The experience has left deep wounds and scars that are not seen by others but are felt by those involved on a daily basis. Our precious Camden didn't make it. He was born and died on July 9th 2013. It was a day that I will never forget. One of the hardest things for a mother is to watch her child suffer or be in a great deal of pain and not be able to do anything about it. The truth is that although we are mourning the death of Camden I almost lost my child that day as well. I wasn't able to deal with the reality of that or my feelings about it because I had to be strong for my baby girl who had just lost her child. I remember coming home that night and completely losing it. I was only able to cry for a few minutes as I gathered my things to return to the hospital to spend the night with my grieving child. All the while wanting to grab her in my arms and thank God for not taking her from me but feeling so selfish for having those thoughts since she had lost her child.
You may be thinking that people lose children everyday and yes that's true. There is no situation that is better or worse in my opinion when it comes to losing a child. There's a great debate among some about our loss. The question being is the loss of a child at 6 months gestation just as horrible as the loss of a six month old baby? Some would say that losing the 6 month old is absolutely worse than losing a child who was born too soon. The argument being that you never had a chance to bond with that child yet since they weren't born yet. That is an absolute false statement. A woman bonds with her child from the moment she realizes she's expecting, and if not then certainly when they hear their heartbeat for the first time. The first time they see their baby on the ultrasound or feel the flutters of their first movements. Although we never got a chance to see Camden's smile or hear his cry we miss him and all that he could have been and done. We will never know what his eyes looked like or what his little voice sounded like.
All of my life I heard the saying that 'time heals all wounds'. After this experience I'm not so sure that's true. There are some wounds that will never completely heal. When you touch them there will always be even the slightest amount of pain, just enough to remind you of how you got that scar in the first place. Those memories usually followed by a flood of emotions and possibly tears. This pain isn't something that will just go away. There's no magic pill. If you see my Jenni walking down the street you wouldn't know the pain that she carries with her. Unless you or someone close to you has one you wouldn't know that the necklace around her neck holds her precious little angels ashes. She literally holds him close to her heart everyday. My daughter is among a very special group a mothers. She's the mother of a precious little angel in Heaven.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thursday, July 4, 2013
2 down 3 to go
Whew! We made it through another week and it was a tough one. Emotions still running high, my daughter is scared, frustrated and extremely bored. We've had1 more scare which sent us to the hospital but little Camden is hanging tough. Heartbeat is still strong and even though he has very little room to move around he still manages to punch and kick throughout the day to let us know he's ok.
We still have a long road ahead of us but we continue to pray and for the most part we remain strong although there are moments when both my daughter and I lose it. The good thing so far is that it doesn't happen at the same time. In fact I reserve my moments of "losing it" when I'm alone.
I am frustrated and I get angry sometimes too. I'm a fixer ask anyone who knows me well. Come to me with a problem and I am always trying to come up with a solution. This situation is so far out of my control it's driving me nuts. I lie awake the other night thinking about all the ways I would go about fixing this. With all the advances in medicine why hasn't someone come up with a way to seal the sac back up? After doing my internet research on the situation it seems that premature membrane rupture is quite common. So why hasn't some smart scientist come up with a medical version of fix a flat? Seriously there has to be a way to pinpoint the area that has been compromised and glue it back together right? Seems simple to me but what do I know? I'm just a mother who is scared and watching her baby girl experience every emotion you could image on a daily basis.
So we've made it two weeks and we have three more to go. We have a pretty extensive prayer chain going and I thank everyone who is sending those prayers up because we certainly feel the blessings coming down. Every day that we get closer to July 25th is a day closer to us making it through this crisis.
We still have a long road ahead of us but we continue to pray and for the most part we remain strong although there are moments when both my daughter and I lose it. The good thing so far is that it doesn't happen at the same time. In fact I reserve my moments of "losing it" when I'm alone.
I am frustrated and I get angry sometimes too. I'm a fixer ask anyone who knows me well. Come to me with a problem and I am always trying to come up with a solution. This situation is so far out of my control it's driving me nuts. I lie awake the other night thinking about all the ways I would go about fixing this. With all the advances in medicine why hasn't someone come up with a way to seal the sac back up? After doing my internet research on the situation it seems that premature membrane rupture is quite common. So why hasn't some smart scientist come up with a medical version of fix a flat? Seriously there has to be a way to pinpoint the area that has been compromised and glue it back together right? Seems simple to me but what do I know? I'm just a mother who is scared and watching her baby girl experience every emotion you could image on a daily basis.
So we've made it two weeks and we have three more to go. We have a pretty extensive prayer chain going and I thank everyone who is sending those prayers up because we certainly feel the blessings coming down. Every day that we get closer to July 25th is a day closer to us making it through this crisis.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Thy will be done
As I begin this entry I am not sure how to express everything that I am feeling. The past seven days have been very difficult for me but this isn't even about me. It's about a young woman who has shown me a tremendous amount of strength and resolve. My youngest daughter is currently 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant. She's only 20 years old and in perfect health so what she's going through right now is a surprise to everyone.
A week ago tomorrow her water broke. At first the news was devastating to us all. The OB doctor painted a very grim picture of the situation. We were told that since her membrane had ruptured she would lose the baby. There was nothing they could do and no chance the baby could survive. I realize that we are not the only people in the world who has been faced with something like this but this is our story and every persons experience is different. To make matters worse when all of this happened I was out of town on a business trip, two hours away. That drive home was the longest two hours of my life.
Once I arrived home we were referred to a fetal medicine specialist. The three of us, my daughter, her boyfriend and myself were very somber as we entered the ultrasound room. The tech who would be performing our scan was very pleasant and bubbly. She came into the room and asked us why we were all so sad? Before any of us could respond she said "Let's check out this baby." She began the scan and explained every body part as she performed the scan. I breathed a sigh of relief when she showed us the heart and it was beating strong. Also another huge sigh of relief when she showed us that there was still some fluid, although it was low, around the baby. She showed us the baby's profile and then she asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. My daughter had been counting down the days to her ultrasound appointment to find out the sex and it was supposed to the following Tuesday. In unison we all said yes. The tech searched for a few minutes and finally said "well there is his scrotum but I can't see his penis because he has his hand wrapped around it." We all laughed and cried tears of joy but all the while I was feeling very nervous. I've never experienced anything like this before and from what I know the baby needs the fluid to survive.
We get through the scan and then the doctor enters the room. She explains that the baby looks good. All the organs look good and there is in fact some fluid around the baby. It's low but there is still some in there. She explains our options. The first option is to terminate the pregnancy, which I honestly do not know how you are supposed to make that decision after seeing a strong heartbeat and the profile of your baby's face. She explained that some people make this decision because they don't want to continue on with the pregnancy knowing the risks. The immediate risk is for infection and if that happens it pretty much game over she has to deliver and at this stage the baby will not survive. Future risks are that the baby will be under developed when he's born and he won't survive due to poor lung development. There is also the risk that he will have muscle atrophy because of the low fluid he won't be able to move around as much as he grows. So many risks and scenarios but my daughter and her boyfriend make the decision to press forward. The doctor explains that she has to make it through the next five weeks without getting an infection and obviously not going into labor. Initially they were going to just send us home with no restrictions but after I explain my daughters hectic work schedule (she basically works two full time jobs) they give us a note for her to remain out of work until further notice.
So we head home with some hope and the first night she wanted to stay at her place. I was concerned because she would be alone but I didn't protest much. We made it through the first night and she decided halfway through the night that she wanted to come and stay with me. She would come over the next morning. So on Thursday morning she came over and we ran a few errands and we went out to eat. All was good until Friday morning. She woke up on Friday morning and when she went to the bathroom there was blood in the toilet and she freaked out. We call the doctor and head back to the hospital. I hold my breath all the way there. I'm scared to death that she's going into labor and we are going to lose the baby.
We get to the hospital and we are taken into the labor and delivery suite that my sister delivered my little niece in two weeks earlier. I struggled to maintain my composure as we walked into the room and waited for the doctor to come in. The last time I was in this room I witnessed the birth of my niece a healthy full term baby. As I sat in the same seat reality sat in and I became overcome with emotion thinking about the possibility that I may witness the birth of my grandson at 19 weeks knowing that he wouldn't survive. All of these emotions going on inside of me but on the outside I remain calm. I didn't want to alarm my daughter who was also struggling to hold it together.
A midwife comes in from the OB practice and they do an internal exam on her (probably not a good idea) and they confirm that her cervix is still closed (I thank GOD under my breath) and then they check for the baby's heartbeat. It's there and it's still strong. Another sigh of relief. Then they inform us that the fetal medicine doctor would be in to see us. While we wait she goes to the bathroom a few more times and there isn't anymore blood which is of course a good sign. Finally the doctors arrive and we are taken to get an ultrasound to check the baby. The baby looks good and there is still some fluid, not a lot but some which is good. So again we are sent home to wait.
The nurse we had while at the hospital was actually a long time close family friend and she's very honest with us about the situation and she advises that we simply rest for the next five weeks. Go from the bed to the shower to the couch and back to the bed. That is our best chance for getting to 24 weeks. 24 weeks is the magic number because at that point she can be admitted into the hospital and they will begin to monitor her and the baby on a daily basis. So we heed her advice and since Friday we've been resting, no stairs unless absolutely necessary. Since then the leaking has stopped and we've gone two days without any spotting. She's feeling the baby move fairly regularly and her stomach is started to look full again (after her membrane ruptured her stomach went down considerably).
I am a spiritual person and initially I found it hard to pray. I mean I pray to God everyday but in this instance I didn't know what to ask him for. This wasn't about me but it affects me. I finally settled on praying to God and letting him know that I realize that this situation is totally out of my control. That we have no idea why this happened and that we have no idea how this will end. I prayed to him and asked that he give me the strength to make it through whatever happens. That has been my prayer everyday since this ordeal started. I pray to God and ask that he give me the strength to endure whatever happens as I know it's his will that will be done.
We are only 1 week into this journey and I will continue to provide updates via this blog on our journey towards the birth of Camden. Please pray for us.
A week ago tomorrow her water broke. At first the news was devastating to us all. The OB doctor painted a very grim picture of the situation. We were told that since her membrane had ruptured she would lose the baby. There was nothing they could do and no chance the baby could survive. I realize that we are not the only people in the world who has been faced with something like this but this is our story and every persons experience is different. To make matters worse when all of this happened I was out of town on a business trip, two hours away. That drive home was the longest two hours of my life.
Once I arrived home we were referred to a fetal medicine specialist. The three of us, my daughter, her boyfriend and myself were very somber as we entered the ultrasound room. The tech who would be performing our scan was very pleasant and bubbly. She came into the room and asked us why we were all so sad? Before any of us could respond she said "Let's check out this baby." She began the scan and explained every body part as she performed the scan. I breathed a sigh of relief when she showed us the heart and it was beating strong. Also another huge sigh of relief when she showed us that there was still some fluid, although it was low, around the baby. She showed us the baby's profile and then she asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. My daughter had been counting down the days to her ultrasound appointment to find out the sex and it was supposed to the following Tuesday. In unison we all said yes. The tech searched for a few minutes and finally said "well there is his scrotum but I can't see his penis because he has his hand wrapped around it." We all laughed and cried tears of joy but all the while I was feeling very nervous. I've never experienced anything like this before and from what I know the baby needs the fluid to survive.
We get through the scan and then the doctor enters the room. She explains that the baby looks good. All the organs look good and there is in fact some fluid around the baby. It's low but there is still some in there. She explains our options. The first option is to terminate the pregnancy, which I honestly do not know how you are supposed to make that decision after seeing a strong heartbeat and the profile of your baby's face. She explained that some people make this decision because they don't want to continue on with the pregnancy knowing the risks. The immediate risk is for infection and if that happens it pretty much game over she has to deliver and at this stage the baby will not survive. Future risks are that the baby will be under developed when he's born and he won't survive due to poor lung development. There is also the risk that he will have muscle atrophy because of the low fluid he won't be able to move around as much as he grows. So many risks and scenarios but my daughter and her boyfriend make the decision to press forward. The doctor explains that she has to make it through the next five weeks without getting an infection and obviously not going into labor. Initially they were going to just send us home with no restrictions but after I explain my daughters hectic work schedule (she basically works two full time jobs) they give us a note for her to remain out of work until further notice.
So we head home with some hope and the first night she wanted to stay at her place. I was concerned because she would be alone but I didn't protest much. We made it through the first night and she decided halfway through the night that she wanted to come and stay with me. She would come over the next morning. So on Thursday morning she came over and we ran a few errands and we went out to eat. All was good until Friday morning. She woke up on Friday morning and when she went to the bathroom there was blood in the toilet and she freaked out. We call the doctor and head back to the hospital. I hold my breath all the way there. I'm scared to death that she's going into labor and we are going to lose the baby.
We get to the hospital and we are taken into the labor and delivery suite that my sister delivered my little niece in two weeks earlier. I struggled to maintain my composure as we walked into the room and waited for the doctor to come in. The last time I was in this room I witnessed the birth of my niece a healthy full term baby. As I sat in the same seat reality sat in and I became overcome with emotion thinking about the possibility that I may witness the birth of my grandson at 19 weeks knowing that he wouldn't survive. All of these emotions going on inside of me but on the outside I remain calm. I didn't want to alarm my daughter who was also struggling to hold it together.
A midwife comes in from the OB practice and they do an internal exam on her (probably not a good idea) and they confirm that her cervix is still closed (I thank GOD under my breath) and then they check for the baby's heartbeat. It's there and it's still strong. Another sigh of relief. Then they inform us that the fetal medicine doctor would be in to see us. While we wait she goes to the bathroom a few more times and there isn't anymore blood which is of course a good sign. Finally the doctors arrive and we are taken to get an ultrasound to check the baby. The baby looks good and there is still some fluid, not a lot but some which is good. So again we are sent home to wait.
The nurse we had while at the hospital was actually a long time close family friend and she's very honest with us about the situation and she advises that we simply rest for the next five weeks. Go from the bed to the shower to the couch and back to the bed. That is our best chance for getting to 24 weeks. 24 weeks is the magic number because at that point she can be admitted into the hospital and they will begin to monitor her and the baby on a daily basis. So we heed her advice and since Friday we've been resting, no stairs unless absolutely necessary. Since then the leaking has stopped and we've gone two days without any spotting. She's feeling the baby move fairly regularly and her stomach is started to look full again (after her membrane ruptured her stomach went down considerably).
I am a spiritual person and initially I found it hard to pray. I mean I pray to God everyday but in this instance I didn't know what to ask him for. This wasn't about me but it affects me. I finally settled on praying to God and letting him know that I realize that this situation is totally out of my control. That we have no idea why this happened and that we have no idea how this will end. I prayed to him and asked that he give me the strength to make it through whatever happens. That has been my prayer everyday since this ordeal started. I pray to God and ask that he give me the strength to endure whatever happens as I know it's his will that will be done.
We are only 1 week into this journey and I will continue to provide updates via this blog on our journey towards the birth of Camden. Please pray for us.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Blessings
As I prepare for the release of my 2nd novel I’ve been thinking about what’s next for me in my writing career. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the characters I created in Yesterday’s Lies and Today’s Truth and trying to decide if I am finished with them or not. I feel so connected to them as I should since I created them. I am not sure that I am ready to let them go. Several people who have read Yesterday’s Lies have asked me if the character Toni was me. I laughed and said absolutely not but the more I think about it maybe she is me or I am her. In Yesterday’s Lies Toni is the single one who is looking for love and it always seems to pass her by. She’s looking for something in someone else that lives within herself. I occurred to me recently that I too have been searching for something outside of myself that has been within me the entire time. I realized that I have been so blessed already in my life. The proof is all around me but I keep looking past what is right in my face for something else. I’m not beating myself up about it because a lot of people do the same thing. Sometimes our blessings are not what we receive but what we give. I am starting to realize that my blessings are of the giving kind not the receiving. For example I have this amazing voice which is truly a gift from God. When I sing I feel so close to God. I cannot explain the feeling I get personally and I know that my voice touches others and moves them in a similar way. At work I am in a position to counsel and motivate people and I am usually able to do that. Again I feel this is a gift or a blessing. My writing is not for everyone but many have been touched and inspired by it. I feel like the ceiling fan that was working in reverse. I’ve been pulling negative energy in, fighting myself when I should be pushing positive energy out. I am supposed to be sharing my essence, my blessings with those around me who are willing to receive it.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Audio Postcard for Yesterday's Lies
Listen to my audio postcard to find out more about Yesterday's Lies. http://www.audioacrobat.com/note/C82S1yRQ
My thoughts on change and success
I feel that I am capable of change and typically once I set my mind to something I go full steam ahead. I am an all or nothing type of person. The hard part for me is making up my mind to make the change. As for success I am very confident in my ability to be successful. I have had many successes in my life and when I think about the times when I haven't been able to be successful at something. I can tie it back to my attitude about what I was doing. Also sometimes I feel that I expect too much of myself, and at times I spread myself too thin. Back to change. I need to constantly remind myself that my change doesn't automatically mean that others will change. The scary part is knowing that with change it can sometimes mean that people or things you were used to will not longer be a part of your life. Letting go is sometimes very hard.
Infidelity
I wonder if infidelity hurts more if the person who betrayed you is still alive or if its worse if they are dead before you find out about the cheating? I recently went to the movies to see the movie The Descendants with George Clooney. I was a very emotional movie. The long and short of the movie is that George Clooney's wife is in a boating accident and ends up in a coma. While in the coma just as the doctor tells him she's not coming out of it he finds out that she was cheating on him. Fortunately she had a living will so he did not have to make the decision to keep her alive or not. George's character was shocked and hurt but as portrayed in the movie it seemed worse because he couldn't confront his cheating spouse and get answers to the one question that was burning within him... WHY???
It brought me back to Jada one of the main characters in my books Yesterday's Lies and Today's Truth. Jada's husband David Jr. cheated on her but she has no idea and he is now deceased. Her friends are doing everything they can to keep the truth from her. If the truth is revealed to her now it will be a year since he died. Will the pain be more or less because he is dead? Check out Today's Truth coming May 2012 to see how Jada reacts when Yesterday's Lies become Today's Truth.
It brought me back to Jada one of the main characters in my books Yesterday's Lies and Today's Truth. Jada's husband David Jr. cheated on her but she has no idea and he is now deceased. Her friends are doing everything they can to keep the truth from her. If the truth is revealed to her now it will be a year since he died. Will the pain be more or less because he is dead? Check out Today's Truth coming May 2012 to see how Jada reacts when Yesterday's Lies become Today's Truth.
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